The face of disorder...

Is sometimes not the face you expect. I look in the mirror every day, expecting to see normalcy. And then I laugh... because I'm so far left of normal that I'm out of the ball park.

As I stare into my own eyes, I check off my faults, issues and phobias... and then I amaze myself by not breaking down and crying. How does a person cover up such damage?

I have an eating disorder. I'm a recovering alcoholic. My self esteem can't get any lower than it already is. I have a HUGE need to feel validated by other people every waking moment. I'm clingy and obsessive. I have anger issues.

Yet I LOOK normal. It's just when I stare into my own eyes that I see the damage.

The face of disorder... sometimes you never know.

3 months...

I haven't talked to my blog in 3 months. Excuse? Let's see... numerous ones.

I do have lots to talk about... for instance: I am now 4-1/2 months post Lexapro. It has been a life changing experience. I went off of it for the right reasons, both issues have righted themselves nicely.

I also made the decision 52 days ago to quit drinking. Drinking has been a huge part of my life since I was a teenager. I went from typical teen binge drinking, to a daily drinker, to a daily drink too MUCHER. For about a year the thought of stopping would cross my mind daily. But I always had a reason NOT to. "After the holidays, I don't want to be NOT drinking during the holidays." "After my birthday, I have to be able to have a drink on my birthday." "After vacation, what's the beach without drinks?" And so on, and so on. And then finally I just up and realized it was time. It was almost like a switch went on (or off?) in my head.

Going through some health issues that may have been made worse by alcohol made it easier to quit. I have so many friends behind me on this... the support has been unanimous and just continues with each day. Bob seems surprised, yet I think he's proud. We don't really discuss it. I find that I shock people with the news. Some almost seem dismayed. Some don't believe that I'll stay sober. After all, I spent 35 years drinking. Happily drinking. LOVED drinking. Loved the buzz... but when the buzz became the impetus to my life, it was time.

What made me laugh a bit was the response of the two AA people I know. They were the ONLY two people that didn't ask "why?". They knew. Without even knowing me well, they KNEW. They had been there. And both have offered me their support 24/7. Cell phone numbers and instructions to call any time, even if it's 2:30am, if I'm in trouble. What an incredible gift.

And actually, it's been easier than I thought. I have had a few craves - one very severe crave last weekend. Almost opened a bottle of wine. Came very close, but overcame it. I kept thinking how proud I was of myself to actually be able to control this - and just worked through it. And the withdrawals, well - they suck. But I'm getting through that also. The mood swings, and the headaches... they are a bitch.

Now, when I think about this, it amazes me - I have done some life changing alterations to my life over the past 4-1/2 months. It started with stopping the Lexapro... then some health issues that I'm still dealing with, then stopping the alcohol... and dropping 22 pounds.

Add all that to a mid-life crisis, and WHOA. I'm amazed at myself that I'm still vertical. And not in a straight jacket. ;-)

As I've become very fond of saying... It is what it is.

To be continued..... ?

The Poster Child...

A discussion with The Cell got me thinking... I am truly a poster child for "how a girl turns out when she loses her father too young".

So much of what my life is today is a result of that loss.

When I was 8 years old, I went to bed on December 23rd with two living parents. When I awoke on Christmas Eve, my world had changed forever. I have so few "memories" of my dad... none to speak of really. Brief snippets of a face, or a voice - I remember him solely through photos.

Those of you that think your children are old enough to remember you? I was 8. So, no, never take for granted that they will remember. Of course, nowadays with the ability to record your every word and nuance.... it's different.

I sought out and married a man much like my father. I didn't know that of course, until my mother told me. And that's not a BAD thing, but when you seek approval like a child, it's not a GOOD thing.

I need to work on that. ;-)

Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if my father had lived.... so many people in my life that I never would have met, but so many people that are strangers to me now, may have been friends or even family.

My mom did a fantastic job raising me on her own. Stepfathers came and went, none impacting my life as a father. I never looked upon any of them in that way.

There was only one daddy for me...

I know this is a day late, but Happy Father's Day daddy... I love you and I have missed you all my life.

Midlife Crisis? Or Lexapro withdrawal?

WHO knows. It sure feels like one. What sucks is that it coincides with leaving Lexapro behind, so maybe it's just that.

That little round pill helped me for 18 months. It helped me deal with anxiety. And it worked. But it robbed me of some things that I needed back. And it gave me some things I need to be RID of, like 14 pounds... for someone that has never had a weight issue in her life, 14 pounds was a hard thing to face.

So it's gone. It's out of my system. I've been Lexapro Free for 4 weeks.

The pros: I've lost 4 pounds. I've regained my sex drive times TEN. I don't have to worry about forgetting a pill. I made it through the withdrawals. They sucked, but I'm done. And a pro that also feels like a con... I am feeling things again. Emotions run high.

The cons: Those frigging feelings. I've forgotten how to handle the emotions. So I'm like a new baby taking steps... and sometimes falling down. The appetite... yeah, not eating too much. Drinking more than I eat sometimes. And last but not least, my husband has become annoying again. LOL

Lexapro had the ability to make me mellow. Without being TOO mellow. I handled things differently. My brain redirected. I was quite unemotional. I didn't cry. I didn't overreact. I felt like ME only... relaxed.

And now as each emotion and thought and feeling come back, it's new again. Familiar, but new. I sometimes sit and think about what I'm feeling and realize that I've been there before, and survived. That I just have forgotten that I can do it. If I can do it WITH Lexapro, I KNOW I can do it without.

And if I can't... then we'll need to see about a different drug. Because dang... I can't lose the sex drive again. Sorry. And I can't gain the pounds. That was actually more of an impetus to get off the drug than the sex drive. I was getting VERY upset about the weight.

WHICH all ties in to the midlife crisis bullshit.

Every day I feel the need to validate myself in my looks. This isn't NEW, but it's done with much more desperation now. I know I kicked ass in my 20's and 30's, and I'm not talking face - I'm not THAT vain - I'm talking body. In my 40's it wasn't so much an issue. Well, now at 52? I feel like I'm lost... and I'm ascared that my obsession with my looks are taking a front seat because I can't fall back on the Lexapro to keep me grounded. Does that make any sense? I don't know if I'm using the right words.

I'm hoping it's just my brain firing signals that haven't fired in a while. And the resurgence of the sex drive. All tied up in a pretty bow. I feel like I need validation that I'm still hawt. And sexual. And wanted. And able to fire up a ... well, you know.

So I'm walking the track constantly, not eating, wearing tight, revealing clothing... just waiting for that sideways glance from another track walker, or driver going by, a double take by guys in the grocery store, an appreciative glance...

So... what is it? Midlife crisis or Lexapro withdrawal?

Happy Birthday to me.

And here I sit in the middle of the biggest pity party anyone would EVER want to see. TRUST me - my pity parties are NOT fun.

I blame it on the Lexapro. Or should I say LACK of Lexapro. I'm clean one week. I feel ... weird. Weird just like when I started on it, so I know it will pass. Things that were "gone" before, have come back with a vengence... but they are GOOD things, so I'm not complaining... if you get my drift.

But I'm wired for sound and today I'm just feeling really weepy and I HATE that. I am not a cryer.

I'm gonna clench my butt cheeks together like Barb said. Maybe that will help.

Over and out...

It's a guy. It's a girl.

So I'm heading up to the park for my walk this morning. It's nice and early, and still not too hot. I walk the 1/4 mile to the park entrance, and start on the walking path.

A few hundred yards ahead I see a shape. It's a person. It's stretching. I get closer.

It's a hawt guy. He's got his back to me and he's using these rubber band thingys to stretch with. All different positions.

I slow my pace in order to enjoy the view. The muscles are incredible. Not TOO pumped, just tight and hard. Legs... butt... OMG the butt was HARD... tiny waist... large back. It was hot, so he was schwetty... shiny black skin... short afro... just fine.

As I got closer, he bent straight down at the waist. He was wearing black spandex shorts. And, well, of course I looked.

Um... did he forget to pack his junk? My mind was trying to process why there was no junk pile. In those shorts there should have been one.

I drew abreast of him.

Yeah. It was a woman.

GAAAAAAAHHHHHHH.

Message Board Mentality

You could call me a message board addict. I wouldn't disagree with you. At this moment in time, I'm registered at a dozen, and post on 5 every day. I'm not proud of that.

Now, I don't post 10 comments on each one - it's a couple here, and a couple there. Plus checking the smack blog. I don't post on it, but I do read it when there's a breaking news story.

Now you add facebook into the mix. Why I feel the need to tell you when I'm going to work, when I'm home, when I'm drinking, when I'm farming... I don't know. I got sucked into that too, and it's a form of message board.

But there's nothing quite like a real message board. One that you feel comfortable in. Like old shoes. Or your favorite bra. You know what I mean?

On a daily basis I check in with My Dawg of course, and Booktalks and Scrappy Jo's. I read at Scrapbook.com, but rarely post, and I am loving ScrapFreak for it's old friends and gallery.

Spread too thin? Eh. The first three I mentioned are small sites, not a ton of posting going on. Scrapbook.com is busy busy busy, but I read what I'm interested in. I posted at SF last night - and got a bit overwhelmed by the busyness of the board.

Funny though, that all of them have one thing in common. The disparity of personalities. You have the quiet ones, the funny ones, the sad ones, the crabby ones, the ones that have been there, done that, the smart ones, the evil ones, the religious ones, the political ones, the jokers, the drinkers, the non-drinkers, the dreamers, the realists, the blunt ones, the ones that beat around the bush until someone else says what they were hoping to...

And yet they are all family. Message board family. Someone not attached to a message board would NEVER understand it.

I'm glad I understand it.

Thanks to my message board families. You know who you are... lol

OH my poor forgotten blog...

now that facebook has taken over my days, this has bit the dust. A bit sad. I enjoyed this blog. And I'm not going to kill it. I'm going to give it CPR.

Breathe dammit - BREATHE.

I'm on vacation this week. I have spent most of my time in my scraproom. YES scraproom - GOD I love saying that. I'm like a woman possessed. I'm scrapping, I'm altering, I'm BUYING.

And next week is Intercourse. Let's see, I get to see Niki, Julie, Linda, Cara, Liz, Leslie, Amy, Candice, MY KAT, Veronica (maybe?) Amber (maybe?) MY JESSICA... who am I leaving out? And we'll be in a new Love Shack. Looks pretty... Looking forward to it. Good group. I'll miss My Donna though... Intercourse will not be the same without her. Poor Kay will have to make egg casserole with me.

Now... I really must tend my farm. Damn whoever started me on farming. I will find you and get you back.

OH - and heard my new favorite song - it's a song I've heard countless times before when I watch Willy Wonka, but the remix on Tim's blog just GRABBED me...

Go watch - it's from his most recent trip to Ranger:

http://www.timholtz.typepad.com/

Strong Women

I find that as I get older I am surrounding myself with very strong women. *I* am not a strong woman. I am a follower.
It's funny to me that a follower annoys the crap out of me.
And I wonder if I annoy the crap out of my strong friends.

Random

I've joined FaceBook. Under great duress. It's one of those things where I can't stand everyone being involved in something that I'm NOT. (sigh) They might talk about me.

So FB is interesting - but kinda boring. I have all my mb friends, and both of my brothers, and a niece... and one girl from high school that sent me a friend request. I certainly didn't join FB to hook up with high school people. I was happy to get away!

The good part is connecting with my one brother - we don't have a lot of communication between us for a thousand reasons - but on FB we can be friends and have some fun together. It was well worth it.

I guess I'm just a message board girl at heart. That's where I feel my most comfortable.

What else...

I went grocery shopping this morning, and I believe that I was in the company of the most annoying and idiotic women EVER in my history of grocery shopping. So that sucked. One woman had a cell phone to her ear the entire time, trying to push her full cart with one hand. Doesn't work you idiot. Another had her sick daughter with her - I guess around 7 years old - this kid was SO sick - coughing, fever, lethargic... now, I understand needing to get to the store whether you have a sick kid or not, but a full GROCERY SHOP???? Perusing labels???? Your kid should be in BED you idiot. Or the woman behind me in line that had her cart so close to mine that they almost got attached. Back off you idiot!!

What else...

I haven't wanted to post an update because I hate not having my Tim right on top saying he misses me and blowing me a kiss. I wonder if there's a way to add that as a permanent part of the blog. Hmmm. Need techy people.

What else...

Oh, update on the pain. Thanks to those that have asked. I never got back on here to update that it was NOT RA - it's degenerative osteo arthritis. Pain is controlled with Aleve for now - when that stops helping we'll discuss something stronger. So that's actually GOOD news!

What else...

I have a scrap room FINALLY!!! Bobby built me the most amazing table, that fits right over the bed in the spare room. That way, if we get overnight company, the table can come off with little to no trouble. I find myself scrapping at the most unusual times... lol

What else...

Nada. Over and out!

Does it get any better than this?

Janette went to CHA... and got me this...

Pain...

It's become a part of my life and I don't like it. One week from today I visit the RA specialist. I'm still not convinced that's what I have - but we'll start there.
I try not to be a complainer... really I do. But I'm so tired of pain. And not knowing where the pain is going to be from hour to hour...
I swear it's hit every joint and bone at some point over the past few months. My right index finger has a knuckle that is almost twice the size of the others, is SO sore - crunches - stiff - sometimes unbendable... yet the xray showed nothing remarkable. HOW could there be NOTHING there? You can SEE it... and I feel it.
I have had some days that I can't bear to even get out of a chair and DO something. I find myself being crankier (yes - more than normal) because I'm constantly not feeling good.
And then there are hours that I feel GREAT. NO pain... the Aleve has helped, but the pain breaks through every once in a while. But those hours are few and far between.
And other than my Lexapro (and thank GOD for my Lexapro) I detest taking medication. So if this doctor says "this pill will make you feel better but you have to take it every day"... well CRAP. I feel like I may never not hurt again.
Can you tell I'm having a painful day? Doesn't stop me from typing though. In fact sometimes my hands feel BETTER when I'm busy with them.
And just for the record? If my hands become so bad that I have trouble scrapping, take me out back and shoot me.
If you've made it this far - thanks for listening.

Focus

Focus. My word for 2009 is Focus. Something that over the past few years I have grown NOT to do.
I need to focus my attention. I need to focus on my health. I need to focus on my family. I need to focus on my job.
In the past I have failed at focusing my attention on ONE thing. My mind has a mind of it's own. While watching tv I am thinking about scrapping, or reading, while reading I am thinking about what's on tv or who's online, while online I'm thinking about what's going to happen at work next week or how much my hands hurt and what will happen with that.
Well, I'm going to STOP that. I want to give things my ALL. And first and foremost is getting through this RA bullshit.

So... FOCUS dammit. FOCUS.