Monday, June 22, 2009

The Poster Child...

A discussion with The Cell got me thinking... I am truly a poster child for "how a girl turns out when she loses her father too young".

So much of what my life is today is a result of that loss.

When I was 8 years old, I went to bed on December 23rd with two living parents. When I awoke on Christmas Eve, my world had changed forever. I have so few "memories" of my dad... none to speak of really. Brief snippets of a face, or a voice - I remember him solely through photos.

Those of you that think your children are old enough to remember you? I was 8. So, no, never take for granted that they will remember. Of course, nowadays with the ability to record your every word and nuance.... it's different.

I sought out and married a man much like my father. I didn't know that of course, until my mother told me. And that's not a BAD thing, but when you seek approval like a child, it's not a GOOD thing.

I need to work on that. ;-)

Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if my father had lived.... so many people in my life that I never would have met, but so many people that are strangers to me now, may have been friends or even family.

My mom did a fantastic job raising me on her own. Stepfathers came and went, none impacting my life as a father. I never looked upon any of them in that way.

There was only one daddy for me...

I know this is a day late, but Happy Father's Day daddy... I love you and I have missed you all my life.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Midlife Crisis? Or Lexapro withdrawal?

WHO knows. It sure feels like one. What sucks is that it coincides with leaving Lexapro behind, so maybe it's just that.

That little round pill helped me for 18 months. It helped me deal with anxiety. And it worked. But it robbed me of some things that I needed back. And it gave me some things I need to be RID of, like 14 pounds... for someone that has never had a weight issue in her life, 14 pounds was a hard thing to face.

So it's gone. It's out of my system. I've been Lexapro Free for 4 weeks.

The pros: I've lost 4 pounds. I've regained my sex drive times TEN. I don't have to worry about forgetting a pill. I made it through the withdrawals. They sucked, but I'm done. And a pro that also feels like a con... I am feeling things again. Emotions run high.

The cons: Those frigging feelings. I've forgotten how to handle the emotions. So I'm like a new baby taking steps... and sometimes falling down. The appetite... yeah, not eating too much. Drinking more than I eat sometimes. And last but not least, my husband has become annoying again. LOL

Lexapro had the ability to make me mellow. Without being TOO mellow. I handled things differently. My brain redirected. I was quite unemotional. I didn't cry. I didn't overreact. I felt like ME only... relaxed.

And now as each emotion and thought and feeling come back, it's new again. Familiar, but new. I sometimes sit and think about what I'm feeling and realize that I've been there before, and survived. That I just have forgotten that I can do it. If I can do it WITH Lexapro, I KNOW I can do it without.

And if I can't... then we'll need to see about a different drug. Because dang... I can't lose the sex drive again. Sorry. And I can't gain the pounds. That was actually more of an impetus to get off the drug than the sex drive. I was getting VERY upset about the weight.

WHICH all ties in to the midlife crisis bullshit.

Every day I feel the need to validate myself in my looks. This isn't NEW, but it's done with much more desperation now. I know I kicked ass in my 20's and 30's, and I'm not talking face - I'm not THAT vain - I'm talking body. In my 40's it wasn't so much an issue. Well, now at 52? I feel like I'm lost... and I'm ascared that my obsession with my looks are taking a front seat because I can't fall back on the Lexapro to keep me grounded. Does that make any sense? I don't know if I'm using the right words.

I'm hoping it's just my brain firing signals that haven't fired in a while. And the resurgence of the sex drive. All tied up in a pretty bow. I feel like I need validation that I'm still hawt. And sexual. And wanted. And able to fire up a ... well, you know.

So I'm walking the track constantly, not eating, wearing tight, revealing clothing... just waiting for that sideways glance from another track walker, or driver going by, a double take by guys in the grocery store, an appreciative glance...

So... what is it? Midlife crisis or Lexapro withdrawal?