Monday, July 16, 2012

the ketchup packet.

Sit back and relax a moment. I want to tell you the story of the ketchup packet.

About 15 years ago, our good friends Mark & Mary told us a funny story about a mutual acquaintance. This mutual person was well known for being... cheap.

Mary invited said cheapskate for a picnic at a lake. Now, I don't know about YOU, but when I am invited somewhere, I bring everything I can possibly think of to help the hostess out. Food, drink, whatever. To his credit, the cheapskate asked what he could bring. Mary told him 'bring something to drink and eat'.

He and his wife showed up with 2 wine coolers and a bottle of ketchup.

This story remains a running joke with the 4 of us, and the next time Mary invited us over, we brought one of those little packets of ketchup as a joke.  (along with all the other stuff). (I am not a cheapskate) (or an idiot).

Over the past 15 years, this ketchup packet has been passed back and forth between us. At some point, I wrapped the damn thing, and it has stayed that way - wrapped in brown mulberry paper and ribbon ever since.

We don't just GIVE it to each other, we HIDE it during our visit. And the rule is that if it is discovered before departing, tough. You keep it until the next visit.

Sometimes it's planted in a purse, a coat pocket, it depends on the situation. One time I found it in our mailbox after they pulled away... On our last visit to their house, I hid it in their medicine cabinet. (I broke all my own rules on that one - I NEVER open someone's medicine cabinet) (but this was for the ketchup, so it was ok)

Mark and Mary came over Saturday night for dinner and fireworks. We knew we were getting the ketchup back. Half the fun is trying to figure out where it's going to be found... After they left I did a quick search in all the usual places (including MY medicine cabinet). Nothing. Mary must have gotten VERY creative this time. I didn't find it until the next morning, when, as I set up breakfast and reached for napkins... I found it. Under the top 2 napkins, ensuring that I wouldn't see it until morning.

Well played, Flannery. Well played.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Hoochie Mama...

You kind of have to be a Seinfeld fan to truly 'get' this. But it's still pretty funny.

Every day at 3:30 me and bsgirl (bsgirl and I?) have a cup of coffee. I always make it. We both like the Hazelnut coffee with some Cinnamon Bun creamer. There are other flavors in the boxes of Keurig pods, but that's our fav.

Now, that said - Sonia has her own box of pods - Butter Toffee. Nobody touches them. She pays for them herself, and they are HERS. And trust me - you don't want the wrath of Sonia upon you.

Apparently bsgirl was unaware of that fact. Yesterday she made her own cup because I didn't want any. She'd watched me enough times to know what to do. As she walked back to her desk with her steaming cup of goodness, I noticed that it smelled more like something Sonia would make... and said "Which coffee did you use?"

"I don't know - I just pulled one of those pod things out. It's really good, sure you don't want some?"

I guess she saw my eyes widen... which made HER eyes widen...

"What? What's the matter? What did I do?"

"You used Sonia's coffee. That's her coffee. Nobody touches her coffee."

"Shit. What should I do? Maybe she won't notice."

"If she comes out here, she'll smell it. Last week Beth took one, and 10 minutes later Sonia went into the breakroom and said 'WHO took one of my coffee's?' I think she counts them."

At that, bsgirl jumped up and said "I'm going to put one of the other flavors in her box so that she won't see one is gone. Give me a high sign if she comes through here. COVER me."

Ten seconds later I see Sonia walking toward the breakroom.

And what do I call out? "HOOCHIE MAMA. HOOCHIE MAMA!!!!"

And my Seinfeld loving buddy bsgirl came barreling out of the breakroom, slid into her chair and made believe she hadn't just committed the crime of the century.

As of right now, over 24 hours later, her scheme has not been uncovered. But should I get questioned tomorrow when bsgirl isn't in, I WILL throw her under the bus.

Because Sonia has her ways of getting even. And I'm gonna be on HER side when it happens.

Friday, March 2, 2012

What are the chances?

A more serious post this time, in fact, serious enough that I wasn't sure which blog to post this to, here or My Brave Soul... Obviously Faded Rainbows won.

Those of you that know me well, know that I do not believe in coincidence. I believe that a Higher Power is orchestrating everything - and when a 'coincidence' occurs, it's more like a GodWink. Things tend to happen when you need them to.

I've felt a little off for the past week or so - not working a good program, ignoring signs, just not 100%... a little stressed out, worrying about a sponsee, confused and scattered about my professional future and the future of my art, feeling a bit overwhelmed... (which is just when I need a strong program the MOST.)

Today after my meeting I was standing outside saying goodbye to some great people, and we got on a couple of different subjects - my smile being one, and road rage being the other. There is a person in the program that insists my smile can get me out of any situation. LOL And they have a hard time believing that my smile can hide a lot of pain and sadness...

Then we switched over to road rage and how we deal with a slowpoke in front of us. Various finger gestures were mentioned, and then I told them how I felt about a slowpoke. I truly believe that this person was put in front of me for a reason - to slow me down. Obviously, (to me) I have been slowed down in order to experience something - or NOT experience something (like a crash!!).

I dropped my sponsee off, and pondered my life - all the things that I don't have any control over (the CRUX of the problem LOL) and the things I DO have a say in... and then of course got all weepy and pitiful.

Stopped at the A&P to pick up my prescription, and as I walked out a man behind me said "Pretty hair." Not sure he was talking to me, after all I was windblown and hadn't had a brush in my hand in the last 6 hours, I turned around to look at him. About my age, he smiled at me and I said "Thank you so much!" and smiled back at him. As we walked out to the parking lot he said "I always say it's a good day when I can make someone smile."

As tears filled my eyes, I smiled again and said "well, you sure did that."

He said "someone wrote in my highschool yearbook that my strength is that I can always make a person smile."

I said "And look, you're STILL doing that."

And he stopped dead in his tracks like he didn't think of that - and he said "Wow - I am, aren't I? I'm still doing that."

And we parted ways after wishing each other a good day...

Which all boils down to the chance meeting - had I been 10 seconds later or earlier our paths wouldn't have crossed - I wouldn't have gotten a sweet compliment that made me smile, making the compliment giver smile, and a brief exchange of words that made us BOTH happier.

Coincidence? I think not.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012


Love that word. Factoid. Almost sounds naughty. Actually, reminds me of the word hemorrhoid, which makes me do the :evil6: face.

Little known tigger factoid #1:

I can Irish Step Dance. There is actually video of this on the Dawg somewhere. I took lessons when I was 10... and I know 2 different dances.

Little known tigger factoid #2:

Lentils tried to kill me. No lie... First time I ever had lentils - I made this incredibly complicated soup that hb found in a magazine... Now, FIRST of all, lentils taste like mud. SECOND of all, they gave me the worst and first acid reflux attack in my life. To the point that I woke up hb at 1am figuring he needed to call 911. I hate lentils, and a lentil will never cross my lips again.

Little known tigger factoid #3:

When I was a young child, I appeared at the top of the stairs... in front of a houseful of people... stark nekkid with sneakers on and a tennis racket in my hand and announced "Anyone for TENTIS?" My brothers can vouch for this. And yes, I said TENTIS. Not tennis.

Little known tigger factoid #4, 5, 6, 7 & 8:

ok - so not so little known. Ok - FINE. EVERYBODY knows these. I will not make left turns. I will not eat, look at or say 'b****e pasta'. I will scream bloody murder if a moth lands on me, or within 10' of me. Clowns should not be allowed to walk this earth. Dolls with eyes that open and close should be buried in a landfill never to be heard from again.

Little known tigger factoid #9:

I have to put my left sock or left shoe on first. If I force myself to do my right one first, I will start to twitch and take it back off again so that I can start with the left side.

Little known, and last, tigger factoid #10:

I can't clap to a beat. I will go into panic mode if asked to do this. You've seen Elaine on Seinfeld dance? That's how I clap to a beat.

And just for the hell of it - a short explanation of some of the things I say:

Spanks instead of thanks. I picked this up years ago from Amber. I can't stop. You can't make me.

Ascared instead of scared or afraid. I picked this up from Chip many years ago, and now it's just second nature. People look at me funny when I say it, but I don't care.

Dammit. The best curse word ever and ever amen.

HB. Many of you think that stands for hubby. LOL It doesn't. Message board lingo would be DH. For Dear Husband, or DICK HEAD, whichever applies. HB stands for Hawt Bobby. The Cell nicknamed him that after the first beach crop... so all of you that refer to him as HB? Yeah. You're calling him HAWT.

Which brings me to...

Cell. The cell is Me, Donna, Schnauz and Barb. Many years ago we decided that the four of us together equaled one brain cell. (which isn't a good thing)

Nekkid. Another Chipism.

Nekkid banana dance. That one is pure message board - the dancing banana emoticon. I always banana dance when I'm happy, and when I'm REALLY happy, I do it nekkid. That's when you'll get ":banana: <----- Nekkid"

And finally, last but not least... (and if you've read THIS MUCH - you need to get a life) what you'll find inside my pocketbook:

wallet, check stubs from the past 2 months, old coupons from Michaels and Sally's, 3 pens, reading glasses, a little Big Book, saline solution, a razor blade disguised as a lipstick, cough drops and gum wrappers, sunglasses, cell phone charger, hair clips, gum, business cards, keys (2 sets), makeup, cell phone.

:) Enjoy your day.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012


I know sometimes you guys must shake your heads and think "she makes that sh!t up".

I was getting a cleaning today. I'm lying there getting scraped, looking at the ceiling... and I see a freaking STINK BUG walking around. Linda and I had a good giggle about it, and a few minutes went by.

I watched the bug strolling all around. Above me. As I lay there with my MOUTH OPEN.

Now, you might think I'm about to say 'the bug fell in my mouth'.

No, no.... better than that.

I watched as something dropped OUT OF HIS BUTT, and in slow motion... came right towards my head. Linda saw my eyes rip open, stopped what she was doing and at that moment the offending piece of poop fell on her leg, just mere inches from my head.

I sh!t you not.

Sunday, December 4, 2011


I had to share a cute story - this happened last night at an annual Christmas Party that we attend.

This is a large party - probably over 50 people - and it's hosted by close friends at their gorgeous home. We know about a quarter of the people outside our little crew of 4 to 5 couples.

So we're sitting in the living room, and there are a few people in the room that we don't know personally. One of those people, a man about my age, is drinking a large can of some type of specialty soda.

My friend Stan, (Mary Kay's hubby) leans over to me and softly asks...

"Is he one of your kind?"

"My KIND?"

"Yeah - you know... REFORMED."


"Reformed. Or whatever you call it."


"That's it."

"I don't know, why do you ask? Do you think we all know each other?"

"Well, he's been knocking back those tall weird sodas all night. I figure he's got SOME kind of issues."

"Well, when you're right, you're right, but no, I don't know him."

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Can't blame it on autocorrect...

So, I've talked about these patients before - the couple that talks and talks and talks and never leaves? Well, they were in this afternoon. The Mr. was in a treatment room, the Mrs. was out in the reception area.

Part One:

bsgirl bumps the back of my chair.

"Mrs K is playing with herself."

me: WTH?

I look and sure enough, there she is with her pants pulled out, her hand WAY down her pants... I stared for a moment not believing it, but then realized she was just tucking in her shirt. A lot. There was a LOT of tucking going on.

Bsgirl and I giggled a bit.

Part Two:

30 minutes later we hear from the reception room:


And I hear bsgirl chortling. (SUCH a good word)

The chortle quickly becomes a snort and more chortles... and she tells me "DON'T turn around."

Which makes me immediately turn around... and I see her typing an IM to me. So I wait...

I wish I could do a photo upload... but I erased it too quickly... this was what it went like...

BSGIRL: Was that a delayed organism?

ME: Do you mean Orgasm??????????


And that was the end of us for the rest of today. We had to leave the room... tears coming down... dissolving in giggles...

It took them almost 30 minutes to check out - it was at least 10 just to put coats on - (this is not because they are infirm in any way - they won't stop TALKING) and just a moment ago the phone rang... it was the Mrs.

She forgot her coat.