Hmmmm... what to talk about.

I'm feeling the need to talk about Tim Holtz again. Not sure why - but he's weighing on my mind for some reason.

I email him about once very 3 weeks or so - the busier he's gotten, the longer it takes for a response, but he always writes back.

Now, I don't kid myself that I'm the only one that emails him (insert big rolling eyes here) and that he responds to. (was that a dangling participle?) But every time I see a response in my inbox, my heart does a little pitter patter thing.

I think it's kind of funny that in MY world, he is a huge thing. To me he is someone famous, someone that thousands of people want to know, someone that people pay lots of $$ to meet, and learn from, someone that people want to touch, talk to, interact with, hug, laugh with, drink with, eat with, be friends with.

In HIS world, I am someone that he's never met, has emailed with for .. a few years, I'm just like hundreds of other people in his internet world.

In MY world, he is most special.

In HIS world, I am one of his fans.

He's an incredibly gifted, kind, generous and dammit SO cute, individual. Why is it so important to me to be part of HIS world????? Makes NO sense.

I am a 51 year old, happily married, semi-well adjusted woman. WHY is it important to me that I am known as his friend? Crazy shit. And that poor guy is probably shaking in his boots that this crazy lady from NJ is stalking him. ROFL!

I swear Tim - NO stalking is involved!!!! Except for stalking your blog, hoping to win a giveaway one of these days. Or a tshirt.

Maybe one day my wildest dreams will come true, and I will meet the man that inspires me every day to create, to experiment, to try new things and make art.

The Butterfly Project

I absolutely LOVE this - please help - I'm going to work on my butterflies and get them sent off to Texas...
Such a great idea for schools, or youth organizations - we can make this happen!!..


The Butterfly Project

5 years...

Hard to believe that 5 years ago today I said good-bye to Annie. It's still as fresh in my mind, and as sharp in my memory, as it was the day she died. Those years have tempered the pain a bit - and opening up here a while back helped - but I still think of her daily and miss her all the time.

Especially when I'm putting groceries away, which is something I just did. That was my phone call time with her.

So today I'm going to raise my glass of wine, toast my mother, and tell her again how much I love her and miss her.

Thanks for being my mother, Annie...

I am an Ingrid!

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are an Ingrid!

You are an Ingrid -- "I am unique"

Ingrids have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me

• * Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.


• * Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.


• * Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.


• * Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.


• * Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being an Ingrid

• * my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level


• * my ability to establish warm connections with people


• * admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life


• * my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor


• * being unique and being seen as unique by others


• * having aesthetic sensibilities


• * being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being an Ingrid

• * experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair


• * feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved


• * feeling guilty when I disappoint people


• * feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me


• * expecting too much from myself and life


• * fearing being abandoned


• * obsessing over resentments


• * longing for what I don't have

Ingrids as Children Often

• * have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original games


• * are very sensitive


• * feel that they don't fit in


• * believe they are missing something that other people have


• * attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.


• * become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood


• * feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

Ingrids as Parents

• * help their children become who they really are


• * support their children's creativity and originality


• * are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings


• * are sometimes overly critical or overly protective


• * are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz at HelloQuizzy

San Antonio!

Got to see a bunch of my Dawgs - Kat (an amazing tour guide), Jeanne, Cynthia, My Barb, Lori and STEVE!

Wanna see some pics?



A great time. A great place. I love TEXAS! Riverwalk was amazing, I could have spent my entire trip just walking around and drinking in the sights. ;-)

Random thoughts...

Since I haven't updated in a MONTH - that's terrible - I will update with random items.

I have begun my diet and exercise regimen. It sucks. I have lost one pound. 7 more to go. As I drink my glass of wine, I glance down at my thighs and say... screw it.

It's a cool, rainy evening. I have a small fire going in the franklin stove and it's cozy. I will probably fall asleep in front of it. At 8:05.

My new addiction on Fridays is watching Wife Swap. It's on in the afternoon on ... I think it's Lifetime. There's some crazy shit on those shows. I would LOVE to do that, but we don't have kids, so I guess they'd never use us.

My hawt UPS guy got married. ((sigh)) Oh well. Life goes on.

Heading to San Antonio in less than a month. ADA convention. Lots of dentists. WOOhoo. (can you HEAR my eyes rolling?) Should be a good time though - lots of fun in the evenings at least. I'll get to see some Dawgs, and hang out with My Kat...

My Tim was on QVC and I didn't get to see him. I had to watch it after the fact on QVC.com. No fair. He's still my #1 obsession. There's a drive on his blog to get him on the Oprah show. I say the hell with that. How about "Tim Holtz the Show"? They could film it in NJ and I could be a production assistant. I'd wipe his brow and fetch his drinks.

Wine tastes good.

Tomorrow is Family Day at Ramapo College where Larissa is starting her Junior year. We are attending. It's supposed to rain. I'm praying for beer. We have "family day"; "underage kids" and "college". I'm thinking beer will be plentiful. LOL!!!

Butterfly...

This one posed for me on one of our butterfly bushes... Isn't he purty?

You are listening...

to Ian Parker - my new obsession. Step back Tim Holtz, My Hawt UPS guy and Sam Elliot. We saw Ian last year at RiverFest in Knowlton, and I just fell in LOVE. He was back again this year and let me tell ya - this guy is HAWT. And talented.

Last year I got a slip of paper from him because he had sold out of his cd's at the Fest - and I'm hanging on to that piece of paper like my life depended on it.

I swear I'm not licking it. Honest.

RiverFest was excellent again this year - Ian was my favorite, the other bands were ok - it was a gorgeous day, until a migraine (my first!!) hit and we had to leave early. Missed the last two bands. But it was a fun day and here are some pics!

My Jessica.

So My Jessica deserves a post... SO much!!

I've told this story on the Dawg, but I'm telling it again here. Maybe it will explain things to the people that look at the two of us like we're crazy!

This dates back to ECC1. Intercourse, PA. First crop. It must be at least 3-1/2 years ago now - right?

I hadn't met anyone except Niki. And Niki and I drove together to meet up with a dozen girls from ScrapLove. I was ascared to DEATH.

From the minute we were all together, it was a family. And it has stayed true to that to this day. We are all still together.

And I saw Jess for the first time. Gorgeous girl. She was so friendly, and funny and welcoming and she made me not ascared. I got a little girlie crush on her. :-)

The next morning I got up early and had coffee with Donna (the start of "morning coffee") and one by one the girls started drifting in...

I was in the kitchen doing something when Jess woke up and came down. As I entered the "scraproom/dining room" she was sitting at her table... in her jammies... hair tousled... no makeup... glasses. She looked up at me and smiled.

I was done. That is all. The start of the scraples bo.

As much as we joke around, there is true love and respect and joy in our friendship. She is a huge part of my life and I treasure our talks, pm's, texts and emails. Especially tata emails.

Here is my LO of her...

Dirty secret...

So my 3rd and last question was from My Princess, Carrielyn. She wanted to know my current dirty little secret.

I'm probably going to shock people with my answer here - I'm not going for funny or TIC. I'm going with a real secret... one that NOBODY knows. NO ONE. Not the Cell, not hoopy, not My Jessica, not MaryKay.. not even HB. I'm the only one.

And once I write about it - it will be out in the open. No taking it back.

Must go refill the wine glass. brb.

HB brought up this subject a few months ago. He says I have NEVER dealt with my mother's death.

He's right. I don't think I'm strong enough. Lexapro be damned. Even Lexapro, xanax and red wine won't get me through it.

I'm damaged enough - I have enough fears and phobias to feed the nation. I need to add this to my menu?

Sometimes I crack the surface of it. I let a snippet of heartbreak to seep in. And then I slam the door. I don't want to cry. I don't want to deal with it. I hate crying. I hate the feeling. Why deal with it? Oh, because it damages me MORE? I know. I'm not STUPID. I'm just ascared.

I have never dealt with my father's death. That happened 44 years ago. Silly people. They think I'm going to deal with my mother's death.

I'll share some of those snippets that haunt me... and maybe you'll understand why I can't wrap my mind around them without going insane...

Having to tell my mother she was dying. My mom had the ultimate optimistic attitude - and the ultimate Floyd way of burying her head in the sand when she didn't want to deal with something. We all do it. It's the Floyd way. My wonderful SIL Barbara, and I were packing up my mom's house to move her up by us. I knew I had to tell her the news. The doctor had told me there was no hope, and she had less than a year. My mom started talking about transferring money into the kid's names because of tax laws... but she knew there was a 5 year statute. I had to look my mother in the face and say - it's too many years, ma.. the doctor doesn't think you'll make it that long.

She put her head down... cried a little, than looked up and said "OK. Then let's get packing!"

And when she was up here... and in her little assisted living apartment that my rich brother was able to push and wangle and make happen, thank GOD, and she started going downhill within 3 weeks...

And I stayed overnight... because she couldn't be left alone and needed pain meds every 4 hours.

And I called every home nursing agency... and every option available... even hospice (who had been called in at that point) and one by one every agency said they had nobody available at such short notice... and I remember sobbing on the phone with one woman who was SO nice to me... just felt so helpless. GOD DAMN IT I'M CRYING.

And finally I was able to convince the hospice nurse that she needed to be admitted to the hospice care at the local hospital...

and for 2 weeks she was there. And we had ups and downs. We knew it was soon, but she kept rallying - once to the point where the hospice people said they might have to release her to a nursing home... that's my mom - always a surprise!!

I remember painting her toes... she was SO warm, all the time, and wanted her feet OUT of the blankets. So I painted her toenails all different colors, and then painted happy faces in white on her big toes. SHE loved it.

And then she started to fail. Fell into a "coma" type state. Once, when I was alone with her (I spend about 12 hours a day there) she awoke, cried and said "Oh my God, I think I'm dying" and sobbed. I think her voice, her sobs, her words - they will haunt me forever.

The hospice nurse was there - and we both held her and the nurse said "Annie, the angels are there - there is nothing to be afraid of, and if you are dying, they are there to welcome you."

And Annie calmed down... of course the morphine didn't hurt.

The nurses kept her pumped with it- the pain at that point had to be bad, and we all wanted her pain free.

Sometimes she would sob in her sleep, and I remember running out to the nurses asking for help... "make her stop crying - make her stop I can't handle it.."

The fact that she was sobbing is what tears me apart... she was sad... it wasn't pain sobbing - it was sad sobbing.

GODDAMN IT I'M CRYING STOP IT STOP IT.

and then came the 48 hours of nothing... no response to anything... and we knew it would be soon.

And Chip and Judy came over one Friday evening... and brought me food (because I had quit eating months before) and the call came... Annie was gone.

Annie was gone.

I miss Annie so much... Sometimes I want my mommy more than anyone...

Another question...

came from Karen:

Hi Tigger!!!

Tell us about that great city that you live in in the fun things you do with your hubby and your friends (other than scrappin and drinkin beer LOL).

Karen

Thanks, Karen!

I live in Budd Lake, NJ. NOT much to do here - we're on the fringe of farm country, but we're a pretty big town.

I have a nice mall nearby, within 2 miles, and I have a Michael's there. I spend a lot of $$ in that store.

We have a large lake (hence, Budd Lake) that is usually fairly brown and green in color - I wouldn't swim or eat a fish caught there.

Fun things that I do with friends... hmmm.

I have my Hoopy, 2 houses away - we are very close and we scrap and chat and post online and she is my hairdresser also. It's dangerous having her so close, when I get a "change my hair" bug, she's RIGHT there.

I have my friend, Mary Kay, we've been friends since junior high. Her dh is close to my dh, and the 4 of us are together frequently. We do dinners and lunches and basically just hang together.

We are very blessed to have a lot of friends. We spend at least one night a week with them, especially during the warmer months.

When you don't have children, your friends become a very HUGE part of your life. After all, THEY may be the ones choosing my nursing home someday.

I plan on treating them all VERY well.

Prize winner... Lynette!

And here is her subject:

How about the joys of having good friends at work?

OH Lord. Such a loaded question. Most of you know that I am blessed with a very strange crowd of people at work.

We have:

The Boss - Dr. Dentist. Nice guy - I've been there 19 years, so we can talk about most anything. Has to work with 6 females everyday, so he's a bit... shellshocked.

Garlic Girl - Ah. The famous GG. If you DON'T know the story, GG is a gorgeous woman, former model, tall, blonde... and stuffs garlic up her woowoo when she thinks she has an infection.

DivaMom - my buddy. The other girls get a bit put out when she will only let ME come help her with things. But we've been coworkers for over 10 years and we know how each other works. She's an excellent hygienist (the only one that can touch MY teeth) and my very first black friend. She's taught me a ton of things - and she's got the best giggle anyone has ever heard.

OSHA - the hygienist that is the polar opposite of DM. She's the one that gave me Cox's and ran me over with the shopping cart. There are issues there.

Beth - the new assistant. She's 27, 5'8", gorgeous. Married, 2 kids. LOVE this girl. Good addition to our office. She's pissed that she can't room with DM, bsgirl and I in San Antonio.

JoJo Poopyhead - the boss's wife. She works on Mondays only. Best sense of humor anyone could ever want to meet. She's evil. I love that about her.

My bsgirl - my buddy.. my partner in crime. We clicked from the first moment we met. She is the BEST straight man anyone could ask for. And she's a listener. She's the best listener anyone ever met. She will show interest in ANYTHING you tell her.

"Inga - I had pancakes for breakfast."

"OMG - really? Were they good? Did you put syrup on them?"

Stuff like that. I love that girl SO much. She's one amazing woman.

Thanks Lynette!!!! This was a good subject. We have a cool group and we do a lot of fun things together. And sometimes we hate each other. It's normal. And we know it - and accept it.

This needs an update, and I need a subject.

Help me.

First person to give me a good subject to write about will get a scrapbook goodie from my stash.

Give me something you know I can relate to, have had experience with, and will enjoy writing about.

(now we'll REALLY see who reads my blog. ;-) )

One Life, Six Words...

YES again... this time I scrapped it. Thanks, Princess...

Seventeen years ago...

the doctor looked at me and said "you have cancer".

Boy, was THAT a wake up call. May 9, 1991. The day my life changed... for the BETTER. Oh sure, the diagnosis, the surgery, the mental breakdown... all that sucked ass.

But it changed ME for the better. Had that never happened, I shudder to think where I'd be right now.

For many years we suffered with infertility. Back in the 80's you had to treat with a specialist, now every ob/gyn offers treatment. I had to go to a specialist about 30 miles away. With a sperm sample tucked under my armpit to keep it warm. 3 times a week. That was fun. NOT. Bobby and I were a team though - and we endured the tests and diagnoses and treatment.

Right before we were ready to discuss artificial insemination, the cancer diagnosis happened.

I look at it this way: had I not been infertile, my cancer would not have been diagnosed so early, and it would have killed me. My infertility saved my life. In more ways than one.

I also found my husband through all of this... and fell in love with him again. He was a caregiver, a lover, a husband and a friend. He was by my side every minute, supporting me, loving me and worrying about me.

He's a good man, that Bobby. I think I'll keep him around.

SO excited!

So this is what happened.

I emailed My Tim with a problem. He solved it for me. I showed him a picture of my tealight holder. He liked it. Asked if he could give my name to Ranger, he thought they might be interested in adding to their website as a project.

Um... OK? (insert shock face here)

Sent My Tim a tealight holder as a thank you for solving my problem. He said some very gracious things... of course making my heart go pitty-pat. LOL And a few minutes later I got the email from Ranger!

I even get PAID!!

So the Cell has decided they are going to be my Entourage and wear all black.

You know - Rangerwear. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Anyway - once again - Thank You Tim Holtz... #1 always. ;-)

Bowler's Butt.

Seriously. I have Bowler's Butt. And it's a REAL thing. Not a made up in my head tigger thing.

I googled it. It's real. And it HURTS.

Bowling???

Seriously. I went bowling for the first time in at least 30 years. We went as an office, and we had a BALL. (get the bowling reference?) In fact, the only problem I had was finding a ball that fit me. I have big thumb knuckles apparently. So I needed a lighter ball with a big hole.

Yeah. I'm stopping now. It will only go downhill from here.

Here are some shots of our fun afternoon...

One Life, Six Words...

I loved the challenge of this. But much like Janelle, there are different words for different parts of me.

The doctor said "you have cancer".

I married my best friend forever.

Reality tv is my guilty pleasure.

Make me laugh, I'll love you.

I used to feel empty. No babies.

A lifeline of friends. I'm complete.

I got tagged by My Princess...

(sigh)

I have to show you my OTHER dirty little secret. My bag. It's the only bag I have. It's my pocketbook.

Here are the rules:

1. You have to show your bag.

2. Show all the contents in the bag, no cleaning it out first.

3. Bag tag 5 more people.

Here is my bag:



I LOVE this pocketbook. It's HUGH. HUGH I tell you. lol (You know I mean HUGE, right?) It's a knock off Kate Spade.

And here you'll see the contents. It's not pretty:



Here's what we've got:

Wallet - knock off Louis.
brush
Renu
Contact rewetter
Sunglasses
Reading Glasses
Cell phone
Keys
2nd set of keys for office.
perfume
gum (2 different packs)
floss
eye liner
clear chapstick
tinted chapstick
lip gloss
2 hair clips (so THAT'S where they are)
Pen
emery board
Safety pin
tissue. I think it's clean.
ear muffs
one Crest whitestrip? lol
lots of paper garbage like a grocery list, gum wrappers, coupons
a magnet business card for the Tastefully Simple girl
AND... my little drugstore:
Airborne
ImodiumAD
Tums (2)
GasX

Thanks for visiting. I'm tagging: My Jessica, LipTwin, Lynette, Amy gebmom and AmyZ.

Random thoughts...

I'm still greatly intrigued with the Smack Blog. I try to visit every other day at least. I view the message board, and try to keep up with the comments.

I still haven't quite figured out WHY I do this. So many times they are smacking people I don't know or don't care about. Not being a Pea, I don't understand when they talk about certain posters. Same when they smack CKMB or the Sis one. Don't know any of those girls.

Of course, when they smack the more well known "celebs" I read a bit more closely.

And when they smack My Tim I get highly outraged. ;) But I don't stop reading. I can't get enough of it. The most recent batch of comments got a bit boring to me. They were going back and forth about SAHM's vs. Working outside the home moms. That got old to me VERY quickly.

I greatly enjoyed the smacking of the woman and her 9,302,402 kids and great dane that lived in a ramshackle trailer while building their house. I shouldn't say I enjoyed the SMACKING of the woman - I enjoyed the dialogue that ensued ABOUT it.

Guess makes some very valid points. And she presents them well. But that's not the reason I keep reading.

I just LOVE dirt. That is all.

Now about that dang satellite. YES I know we hit it with a rocket. BUT that doesn't mean a piece of the dang thing isn't still going to hit me on the head, and until all the pieces are down and accounted for I will not rest. Like Carey said - it's not easy being Tigger.

I think of all the reality shows I love, I love Project Runway the best of all.

It is forecast to snow tomorrow. My plan was to scrap ALL day. I say WAS because if HB is home with me, that will completely change my day. Let's hope the weathermen are as wrong as they USUALLY are.

This is my online routine: yahoo mail first to talk to the Cell. Check listings on Ebay. Flip to BookTalks. Flip to Sherri's. Check Tim's blog. End up at the Dawg. Check sb.com. I do all that in about 45 minutes. If I get done earlier, THAT'S my Smack reading time.

Speaking of which, that brings me back to square one, and it's time to hit some blogs and check the smack.

Congratulations....

Janelle!!!! I am banana dancing for you... you have won my comment challenge drawing!

Your giftie will go postal next week. I hope you like it - it's something that I use and I have 2 of them.

And no, it's not tatas.

I'm a comment ho...

In all aspects of my life. I love comments on my LO's (who doesn't?) and I love comments on my blog.

I'm not the best commenter in the world, so it's a very selfish thing.

But I just want to see how many comments I can get in say... one week. And at the end of the week, next Friday, I will randomly pick one of the commenters and they will win a really nice sb goodie from my stash. (REALLY nice)

Spread the word. You don't have to be a Dawg to comment or win...

Damn you, Jeanne...

Do you know how long my middle name is?????? I don't know that many bloggers!!!
So I'm taking your tag, but using my maiden name. I'm such a rebel.

Here are the rules:

1. You have to post the rules before you give your answers.

2. You must list one fact about yourself beginning with each letter of your middle name. (If you don't have a middle name, use your maiden name).

3. After you are tagged, you need to update your blog with your middle name and your answers.

4. At the end of your blog post, you need to tag one person for each letter of your middle name. (Be sure to leave them a comment telling them they've been tagged and that they need to read your blog for details.)

Floyd

f - Fun. I think I'm fun.
l - Loyal. I am a very loyal friend.
o - Oh crap. Something with O.
y - Young at heart. I may be an old bag, but my mind thinks I'm 30.
d - Dirty mind. I have the worst dirty mind of anyone you'll EVER meet.

I am going to tag....

Janette, Missy, hoopy, Janelle & Steve

Guilty pleasures...

Sounds dirty. I guess it certainly COULD be, but mine isn't. Not the ones I'm going to post about, anyway.

I am hopelessly hooked on certain reality tv shows. Not Survivor, or Big Brother, or Amazing Race, or Biggest Loser...

I'm talking about the ones on VH1, Bravo, MTV... you know - Rock of Love II, Project Runway, Celebrity Rehab, America's Next Top Model, Scott Baio is 46 and pregnant, My Fair Brady.

It's a sickness. At least Bobby says it is. I can watch them over and over. If there's a marathon on? I'm glued. Today I watched Rock of Love II for 2-1/2 straight hours. It was that or iron. TV won.

Bucket List Blog Challenge

My Bucket List challenge, to name 5 things I want to do before I "kick the bucket":

1) See every state in the US.
2) Bungee jump.
3) Get a tattoo.
4) Resolve the problem between me and my niece.
5) Publish a book.

The Hardest Thing...

Jeanne posted a blog challenge. Wanted us to tell about the hardest thing we had to do this week.

I thought about it for a long time. And then realized that the hardest thing I had to do this week was come up with something hard that I had to do this week.

I have a blessed life. Seriously. I work part time, no kids, my time is my own, I have an incredible husband (most of the time lol) I have a job that is usually fun and challenging, lots of friends, a hobby that consumes me, pretty good health, no major issues in any aspect of my life.

Thanks, Jeanne, for a little wake up call....

The Reaction...

Was better than expected. My mother in law was FLOORED and just gave such a great reaction.