Dirty secret...

So my 3rd and last question was from My Princess, Carrielyn. She wanted to know my current dirty little secret.

I'm probably going to shock people with my answer here - I'm not going for funny or TIC. I'm going with a real secret... one that NOBODY knows. NO ONE. Not the Cell, not hoopy, not My Jessica, not MaryKay.. not even HB. I'm the only one.

And once I write about it - it will be out in the open. No taking it back.

Must go refill the wine glass. brb.

HB brought up this subject a few months ago. He says I have NEVER dealt with my mother's death.

He's right. I don't think I'm strong enough. Lexapro be damned. Even Lexapro, xanax and red wine won't get me through it.

I'm damaged enough - I have enough fears and phobias to feed the nation. I need to add this to my menu?

Sometimes I crack the surface of it. I let a snippet of heartbreak to seep in. And then I slam the door. I don't want to cry. I don't want to deal with it. I hate crying. I hate the feeling. Why deal with it? Oh, because it damages me MORE? I know. I'm not STUPID. I'm just ascared.

I have never dealt with my father's death. That happened 44 years ago. Silly people. They think I'm going to deal with my mother's death.

I'll share some of those snippets that haunt me... and maybe you'll understand why I can't wrap my mind around them without going insane...

Having to tell my mother she was dying. My mom had the ultimate optimistic attitude - and the ultimate Floyd way of burying her head in the sand when she didn't want to deal with something. We all do it. It's the Floyd way. My wonderful SIL Barbara, and I were packing up my mom's house to move her up by us. I knew I had to tell her the news. The doctor had told me there was no hope, and she had less than a year. My mom started talking about transferring money into the kid's names because of tax laws... but she knew there was a 5 year statute. I had to look my mother in the face and say - it's too many years, ma.. the doctor doesn't think you'll make it that long.

She put her head down... cried a little, than looked up and said "OK. Then let's get packing!"

And when she was up here... and in her little assisted living apartment that my rich brother was able to push and wangle and make happen, thank GOD, and she started going downhill within 3 weeks...

And I stayed overnight... because she couldn't be left alone and needed pain meds every 4 hours.

And I called every home nursing agency... and every option available... even hospice (who had been called in at that point) and one by one every agency said they had nobody available at such short notice... and I remember sobbing on the phone with one woman who was SO nice to me... just felt so helpless. GOD DAMN IT I'M CRYING.

And finally I was able to convince the hospice nurse that she needed to be admitted to the hospice care at the local hospital...

and for 2 weeks she was there. And we had ups and downs. We knew it was soon, but she kept rallying - once to the point where the hospice people said they might have to release her to a nursing home... that's my mom - always a surprise!!

I remember painting her toes... she was SO warm, all the time, and wanted her feet OUT of the blankets. So I painted her toenails all different colors, and then painted happy faces in white on her big toes. SHE loved it.

And then she started to fail. Fell into a "coma" type state. Once, when I was alone with her (I spend about 12 hours a day there) she awoke, cried and said "Oh my God, I think I'm dying" and sobbed. I think her voice, her sobs, her words - they will haunt me forever.

The hospice nurse was there - and we both held her and the nurse said "Annie, the angels are there - there is nothing to be afraid of, and if you are dying, they are there to welcome you."

And Annie calmed down... of course the morphine didn't hurt.

The nurses kept her pumped with it- the pain at that point had to be bad, and we all wanted her pain free.

Sometimes she would sob in her sleep, and I remember running out to the nurses asking for help... "make her stop crying - make her stop I can't handle it.."

The fact that she was sobbing is what tears me apart... she was sad... it wasn't pain sobbing - it was sad sobbing.

GODDAMN IT I'M CRYING STOP IT STOP IT.

and then came the 48 hours of nothing... no response to anything... and we knew it would be soon.

And Chip and Judy came over one Friday evening... and brought me food (because I had quit eating months before) and the call came... Annie was gone.

Annie was gone.

I miss Annie so much... Sometimes I want my mommy more than anyone...