What are the chances?

A more serious post this time, in fact, serious enough that I wasn't sure which blog to post this to, here or My Brave Soul... Obviously Faded Rainbows won.

Those of you that know me well, know that I do not believe in coincidence. I believe that a Higher Power is orchestrating everything - and when a 'coincidence' occurs, it's more like a GodWink. Things tend to happen when you need them to.

I've felt a little off for the past week or so - not working a good program, ignoring signs, just not 100%... a little stressed out, worrying about a sponsee, confused and scattered about my professional future and the future of my art, feeling a bit overwhelmed... (which is just when I need a strong program the MOST.)

Today after my meeting I was standing outside saying goodbye to some great people, and we got on a couple of different subjects - my smile being one, and road rage being the other. There is a person in the program that insists my smile can get me out of any situation. LOL And they have a hard time believing that my smile can hide a lot of pain and sadness...

Then we switched over to road rage and how we deal with a slowpoke in front of us. Various finger gestures were mentioned, and then I told them how I felt about a slowpoke. I truly believe that this person was put in front of me for a reason - to slow me down. Obviously, (to me) I have been slowed down in order to experience something - or NOT experience something (like a crash!!).

I dropped my sponsee off, and pondered my life - all the things that I don't have any control over (the CRUX of the problem LOL) and the things I DO have a say in... and then of course got all weepy and pitiful.

Stopped at the A&P to pick up my prescription, and as I walked out a man behind me said "Pretty hair." Not sure he was talking to me, after all I was windblown and hadn't had a brush in my hand in the last 6 hours, I turned around to look at him. About my age, he smiled at me and I said "Thank you so much!" and smiled back at him. As we walked out to the parking lot he said "I always say it's a good day when I can make someone smile."

As tears filled my eyes, I smiled again and said "well, you sure did that."

He said "someone wrote in my highschool yearbook that my strength is that I can always make a person smile."

I said "And look, you're STILL doing that."

And he stopped dead in his tracks like he didn't think of that - and he said "Wow - I am, aren't I? I'm still doing that."

And we parted ways after wishing each other a good day...

Which all boils down to the chance meeting - had I been 10 seconds later or earlier our paths wouldn't have crossed - I wouldn't have gotten a sweet compliment that made me smile, making the compliment giver smile, and a brief exchange of words that made us BOTH happier.

Coincidence? I think not.

Factoids.

Love that word. Factoid. Almost sounds naughty. Actually, reminds me of the word hemorrhoid, which makes me do the :evil6: face.

Little known tigger factoid #1:

I can Irish Step Dance. There is actually video of this on the Dawg somewhere. I took lessons when I was 10... and I know 2 different dances.

Little known tigger factoid #2:

Lentils tried to kill me. No lie... First time I ever had lentils - I made this incredibly complicated soup that hb found in a magazine... Now, FIRST of all, lentils taste like mud. SECOND of all, they gave me the worst and first acid reflux attack in my life. To the point that I woke up hb at 1am figuring he needed to call 911. I hate lentils, and a lentil will never cross my lips again.

Little known tigger factoid #3:

When I was a young child, I appeared at the top of the stairs... in front of a houseful of people... stark nekkid with sneakers on and a tennis racket in my hand and announced "Anyone for TENTIS?" My brothers can vouch for this. And yes, I said TENTIS. Not tennis.

Little known tigger factoid #4, 5, 6, 7 & 8:

ok - so not so little known. Ok - FINE. EVERYBODY knows these. I will not make left turns. I will not eat, look at or say 'b****e pasta'. I will scream bloody murder if a moth lands on me, or within 10' of me. Clowns should not be allowed to walk this earth. Dolls with eyes that open and close should be buried in a landfill never to be heard from again.

Little known tigger factoid #9:

I have to put my left sock or left shoe on first. If I force myself to do my right one first, I will start to twitch and take it back off again so that I can start with the left side.

Little known, and last, tigger factoid #10:

I can't clap to a beat. I will go into panic mode if asked to do this. You've seen Elaine on Seinfeld dance? That's how I clap to a beat.

And just for the hell of it - a short explanation of some of the things I say:

Spanks instead of thanks. I picked this up years ago from Amber. I can't stop. You can't make me.

Ascared instead of scared or afraid. I picked this up from Chip many years ago, and now it's just second nature. People look at me funny when I say it, but I don't care.

Dammit. The best curse word ever and ever amen.

HB. Many of you think that stands for hubby. LOL It doesn't. Message board lingo would be DH. For Dear Husband, or DICK HEAD, whichever applies. HB stands for Hawt Bobby. The Cell nicknamed him that after the first beach crop... so all of you that refer to him as HB? Yeah. You're calling him HAWT.

Which brings me to...

Cell. The cell is Me, Donna, Schnauz and Barb. Many years ago we decided that the four of us together equaled one brain cell. (which isn't a good thing)

Nekkid. Another Chipism.

Nekkid banana dance. That one is pure message board - the dancing banana emoticon. I always banana dance when I'm happy, and when I'm REALLY happy, I do it nekkid. That's when you'll get ":banana: <----- Nekkid"

And finally, last but not least... (and if you've read THIS MUCH - you need to get a life) what you'll find inside my pocketbook:

wallet, check stubs from the past 2 months, old coupons from Michaels and Sally's, 3 pens, reading glasses, a little Big Book, saline solution, a razor blade disguised as a lipstick, cough drops and gum wrappers, sunglasses, cell phone charger, hair clips, gum, business cards, keys (2 sets), makeup, cell phone.

:) Enjoy your day.

honest.

I know sometimes you guys must shake your heads and think "she makes that sh!t up".

I was getting a cleaning today. I'm lying there getting scraped, looking at the ceiling... and I see a freaking STINK BUG walking around. Linda and I had a good giggle about it, and a few minutes went by.

I watched the bug strolling all around. Above me. As I lay there with my MOUTH OPEN.

Now, you might think I'm about to say 'the bug fell in my mouth'.

No, no.... better than that.

I watched as something dropped OUT OF HIS BUTT, and in slow motion... came right towards my head. Linda saw my eyes rip open, stopped what she was doing and at that moment the offending piece of poop fell on her leg, just mere inches from my head.

I sh!t you not.

I'm... REFORMED?

I had to share a cute story - this happened last night at an annual Christmas Party that we attend.

This is a large party - probably over 50 people - and it's hosted by close friends at their gorgeous home. We know about a quarter of the people outside our little crew of 4 to 5 couples.

So we're sitting in the living room, and there are a few people in the room that we don't know personally. One of those people, a man about my age, is drinking a large can of some type of specialty soda.

My friend Stan, (Mary Kay's hubby) leans over to me and softly asks...

"Is he one of your kind?"

"My KIND?"

"Yeah - you know... REFORMED."

"I'm REFORMED?"

"Reformed. Or whatever you call it."

"RECOVERING??"

"That's it."

"I don't know, why do you ask? Do you think we all know each other?"

"Well, he's been knocking back those tall weird sodas all night. I figure he's got SOME kind of issues."

"Well, when you're right, you're right, but no, I don't know him."

Can't blame it on autocorrect...

So, I've talked about these patients before - the couple that talks and talks and talks and never leaves? Well, they were in this afternoon. The Mr. was in a treatment room, the Mrs. was out in the reception area.

Part One:

bsgirl bumps the back of my chair.

"Mrs K is playing with herself."

me: WTH?

I look and sure enough, there she is with her pants pulled out, her hand WAY down her pants... I stared for a moment not believing it, but then realized she was just tucking in her shirt. A lot. There was a LOT of tucking going on.

Bsgirl and I giggled a bit.

Part Two:

30 minutes later we hear from the reception room:

"aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh....ooooohhhhhhhhhhh"

And I hear bsgirl chortling. (SUCH a good word)

The chortle quickly becomes a snort and more chortles... and she tells me "DON'T turn around."

Which makes me immediately turn around... and I see her typing an IM to me. So I wait...

I wish I could do a photo upload... but I erased it too quickly... this was what it went like...

BSGIRL: Was that a delayed organism?

ME: Do you mean Orgasm??????????

BSGIRL: OMG

And that was the end of us for the rest of today. We had to leave the room... tears coming down... dissolving in giggles...

It took them almost 30 minutes to check out - it was at least 10 just to put coats on - (this is not because they are infirm in any way - they won't stop TALKING) and just a moment ago the phone rang... it was the Mrs.

She forgot her coat.

The Farting Monkeys.

Ahhhh... finally, a few minutes to sit and write the Farting Monkey story. I'm supposed to be creating, but I'm waiting for a whole lotta spackle to dry, and I'm trying not to touch it. SO I'll type instead.

The story really starts with Chip... if you don't know who he is - read this.

The County College Of Morris used to hold a huge garage sale in one of its parking lots. Chip and Judy used to take a space and sell off their stuff every year. We would go to the sale, and hang with them and walk around, and have fun... and find treasures. As Bob and I walked around, we found... The Farting Monkeys. We knew the moment we saw them that they would be perfect for Chip. We delighted in giving each other very ODD gifts.

We gave the man a quarter, and hightailed it back to Chip & Judy's spot.

"Look what we bought you!!!"

"What the F*CK are they???"

"Farting monkeys!!!!"

"Oh COOL."

He pressed the button and farts abounded. He chortled and snickered and giggled.

Judy was HORRIFIED.

"You're not bringing them into the house."

"Oh yes I am, try and stop me."

The look Judy gave us would have stopped a clock... had there been a clock handy.

Rarely a day went by without hearing the Farting Monkeys on our answering machine. Chip would call while we were at work, set them off and all you could hear was him laughing in the background.

Then you'd hear Judy say "Turn those F*CKING THINGS OFF".

And then the world changed, and the Farting Monkeys were silenced... until...

the first County College garage sale after his death... and Judy, knowing Bob's addiction to collecting coolers, said "Here Bobby - I found this cooler and I want you to have it..."

I saw a LOOK in her eyes... and it was like slow motion - I turned to grab the cooler, all the while saying "Noooooooooooooooooooo....." but it was too late.

Bob accepted the cooler, opened it... and guess what was inside?

"They're YOURS now...." Judy grinned evilly.

So we ran home and called her answering machine. And left her a Farting Monkey message....

I love these damn Monkeys.

Say again?

Or... my adventures in lip waxing.

Yeah - I'll come right out and admit it - I get my upper lip waxed. And a little on my chin too. Honestly - there's not too many women in their 50's that DON'T have a little 'stache action going on.

Luckily enough, my friend and neighbor Hoopy is a hairdresser. She's been doing my hair for umpteen thousand years, and also waxes me whenever I'm feeling furry.

She says she'll do my legs if I want her to, but she draws the line at a Brazilian. (I think she's a party pooper.)

The best part about colder weather is that hoopy's fingers tend to get very cold, and after she rips half my face off she quickly presses her fingers against my skin. This feels amazingly wonderful.

In the summertime it's nowhere NEAR as wonderful. Warm fingers pressed up against ouchy skin just doesn't cut it.

Well, today was cool... and hoopy was excited to show me that her fingers were cold. I did a little banana dance in my chair.

And the waxing commences... and my upper lip becomes nice and smooth. She presses her cold finger against my lip and says...

Ready? Wait for it...

"I'm saving my coldest finger for down there."

I RIPPED my eyes open to see where she was pointing...

It was my chin.

I thought perhaps that she was FINALLY going to do that Brazilian...