The sun is shining today... it's in the 40's. It's teasing me. I went out and played in it for a while, and it's true what they say. I feel refreshed, regenerated, happy... lots of energy and thoughts flying through my head. Enjoying this feeling while it lasts.
Finally came up with the topic for my novel. I thought long and hard. (I said long and hard lol) You should write what you know. I know scrapbooking. I know friends. I have a Cell. I think that's my start.
Had blood drawn this morning. Checking cholesterol (ooh I spelled it right)and sugar... when they tested me 3 weeks ago I hadn't fasted long enough. The doctor was wrong and so they had to stick me again. Totally fasting. But I was a big girl and only whined on 2 message boards, 2 email accounts, many texts and facebook.
I'm not eating enough. My new NorthFace pants that cost WAY too much money are falling down. My new jeans are a size ONE. I recognize that I have a problem. I will try to do better. Starting tomorrow. Since all I've had all day long is one slice of cold pizza... and it's 4:05pm. Now it's too close to dinner to eat anything, right?
I'm on day 204! Feel better than I have in years... I should have done this a long time ago. I finally get healthy that way, and now I don't eat. Go figure.
Going to see Bodies tomorrow... with Dave and Cathy, their daughter and her boyfriend. Meeting for breakfast, then a charter bus trip into Manhattan. SO excited about this... spending the day in the city, then back to Rockaway and out to dinner. Good friends... love being with them.
And yes - I will be wearing my new jeans and my new boots. (wink)
Friday, February 19, 2010
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Yet... again.
My altoid tin... and I have it filled with things that haven't happened YET, but will.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Quirks and Obsessions
We all have them. There was a time I thought I was alone in my weirdness, but message boards and facebook made me realize that you people are ALL nuts.
My quirks have an OCD base. That's where they were born.
Like having to put on my left sock or left shoe first. It's a quirk, but it's part of my OCD'ness.
Now, being ascared of that pasta? Who knows... that's just weirdness. Or left turns? Probably from my accident 22 years ago, but you'd think I'd be over that by now.
I can't listen to a heart beat. I will never lay my head on someone's chest and listen. Freaks me the hell out. I almost passed out doing the StressEcho because I could watch my heart beat. I'm not sure why that is. Am I ascared that your heart will stop beating while I'm listening?
I obsess over myself. I pick apart every inch, mind and body. I obsess over other people. I become attached to inanimate things - like message boards and facebook.
Yet things that I should be ascared of.. I'm not. I love snakes. Spiders don't bother me. I love gore. I love disgusting things. I love horror films. Heights don't faze me in the least. I don't LOVE flying, (because I really hate crashing) but I don't let it stop me.
I eat the same things every day. I become attached to certain foods. Shredded Wheat cereal for breakfast. Low fat vanilla yogurt for lunch. Every day. For over a year.
Embrace your inner quirkiness. It's what makes you YOU. And I'm proud to be as weird as I am.
My quirks have an OCD base. That's where they were born.
Like having to put on my left sock or left shoe first. It's a quirk, but it's part of my OCD'ness.
Now, being ascared of that pasta? Who knows... that's just weirdness. Or left turns? Probably from my accident 22 years ago, but you'd think I'd be over that by now.
I can't listen to a heart beat. I will never lay my head on someone's chest and listen. Freaks me the hell out. I almost passed out doing the StressEcho because I could watch my heart beat. I'm not sure why that is. Am I ascared that your heart will stop beating while I'm listening?
I obsess over myself. I pick apart every inch, mind and body. I obsess over other people. I become attached to inanimate things - like message boards and facebook.
Yet things that I should be ascared of.. I'm not. I love snakes. Spiders don't bother me. I love gore. I love disgusting things. I love horror films. Heights don't faze me in the least. I don't LOVE flying, (because I really hate crashing) but I don't let it stop me.
I eat the same things every day. I become attached to certain foods. Shredded Wheat cereal for breakfast. Low fat vanilla yogurt for lunch. Every day. For over a year.
Embrace your inner quirkiness. It's what makes you YOU. And I'm proud to be as weird as I am.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
YET...
It's a little tiny word. But it's a word that I'm adopting for 2010. It's my secondary word.
To me it means my future. As in: I want this to happen, it just hasn't happened YET. Yet means it will happen. I don't HOPE that it happens, it WILL happen. I just need patience until it does.
I'm going to write a book. I just haven't done it YET.
I'm going to be happy. I'm just not happy YET.
Summer is going to come, it's just not here YET.
See? Yet. Little word. Big future.
To me it means my future. As in: I want this to happen, it just hasn't happened YET. Yet means it will happen. I don't HOPE that it happens, it WILL happen. I just need patience until it does.
I'm going to write a book. I just haven't done it YET.
I'm going to be happy. I'm just not happy YET.
Summer is going to come, it's just not here YET.
See? Yet. Little word. Big future.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Random thoughts...
My last night of bachelorette-dom. I have done a whole lotta nuttin' for the past 4 days. Work, home, eat, play on the computer, read. I haven't even turned the tv ON! And I don't miss it... (it being the tv - not the husband)
Had a good scare Sunday night - I was awakened at 2:30am by a female voice outside my bedroom window... peeked outside to see a teenage girl on her cell phone, huddled by the fence, 10 feet from my window. Stupid kid. I put the overhead light on for a moment, and watched her run away... the adrenaline kept me up the rest of the night. I did the same kind of stupid things as a teen, so I can't get too angry with her. But she cost me a night's sleep, so if I ever find out who she is, I will take revenge.
My word for 2010 is "Esteem". Because I need to raise my self-esteem, considering that it's down lower than the gutter. I try to tell myself every day that I am a good and worthwhile person. (I don't believe myself every day)
Work is challenging. Going through a very bad time at the office right now - lots of murky undertones... backbiting... anger. Seriously considering a career move. Like into retirement.
Still trying to resolve frustrating health issues... sometimes the cure is worse than the illness.
Still losing weight - and I know that I should stop now. But it's almost like a dare. I'm back to my old metabolism - able to drop or gain 2 pounds in a day... and I'm addicted to my walking.
Tomorrow I hit Day 175. That amazes me. I am almost at the 6 month mark. I never thought I could do it. But I'm so glad I did.
I did a LO about it.
And on that note... I think I'll go play on facebook.
Had a good scare Sunday night - I was awakened at 2:30am by a female voice outside my bedroom window... peeked outside to see a teenage girl on her cell phone, huddled by the fence, 10 feet from my window. Stupid kid. I put the overhead light on for a moment, and watched her run away... the adrenaline kept me up the rest of the night. I did the same kind of stupid things as a teen, so I can't get too angry with her. But she cost me a night's sleep, so if I ever find out who she is, I will take revenge.
My word for 2010 is "Esteem". Because I need to raise my self-esteem, considering that it's down lower than the gutter. I try to tell myself every day that I am a good and worthwhile person. (I don't believe myself every day)
Work is challenging. Going through a very bad time at the office right now - lots of murky undertones... backbiting... anger. Seriously considering a career move. Like into retirement.
Still trying to resolve frustrating health issues... sometimes the cure is worse than the illness.
Still losing weight - and I know that I should stop now. But it's almost like a dare. I'm back to my old metabolism - able to drop or gain 2 pounds in a day... and I'm addicted to my walking.
Tomorrow I hit Day 175. That amazes me. I am almost at the 6 month mark. I never thought I could do it. But I'm so glad I did.
I did a LO about it.
And on that note... I think I'll go play on facebook.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
The face of disorder...
Is sometimes not the face you expect. I look in the mirror every day, expecting to see normalcy. And then I laugh... because I'm so far left of normal that I'm out of the ball park.
As I stare into my own eyes, I check off my faults, issues and phobias... and then I amaze myself by not breaking down and crying. How does a person cover up such damage?
I have an eating disorder. I'm a recovering alcoholic. My self esteem can't get any lower than it already is. I have a HUGE need to feel validated by other people every waking moment. I'm clingy and obsessive. I have anger issues.
Yet I LOOK normal. It's just when I stare into my own eyes that I see the damage.
The face of disorder... sometimes you never know.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
3 months...
I haven't talked to my blog in 3 months. Excuse? Let's see... numerous ones.
I do have lots to talk about... for instance: I am now 4-1/2 months post Lexapro. It has been a life changing experience. I went off of it for the right reasons, both issues have righted themselves nicely.
I also made the decision 52 days ago to quit drinking. Drinking has been a huge part of my life since I was a teenager. I went from typical teen binge drinking, to a daily drinker, to a daily drink too MUCHER. For about a year the thought of stopping would cross my mind daily. But I always had a reason NOT to. "After the holidays, I don't want to be NOT drinking during the holidays." "After my birthday, I have to be able to have a drink on my birthday." "After vacation, what's the beach without drinks?" And so on, and so on. And then finally I just up and realized it was time. It was almost like a switch went on (or off?) in my head.
Going through some health issues that may have been made worse by alcohol made it easier to quit. I have so many friends behind me on this... the support has been unanimous and just continues with each day. Bob seems surprised, yet I think he's proud. We don't really discuss it. I find that I shock people with the news. Some almost seem dismayed. Some don't believe that I'll stay sober. After all, I spent 35 years drinking. Happily drinking. LOVED drinking. Loved the buzz... but when the buzz became the impetus to my life, it was time.
What made me laugh a bit was the response of the two AA people I know. They were the ONLY two people that didn't ask "why?". They knew. Without even knowing me well, they KNEW. They had been there. And both have offered me their support 24/7. Cell phone numbers and instructions to call any time, even if it's 2:30am, if I'm in trouble. What an incredible gift.
And actually, it's been easier than I thought. I have had a few craves - one very severe crave last weekend. Almost opened a bottle of wine. Came very close, but overcame it. I kept thinking how proud I was of myself to actually be able to control this - and just worked through it. And the withdrawals, well - they suck. But I'm getting through that also. The mood swings, and the headaches... they are a bitch.
Now, when I think about this, it amazes me - I have done some life changing alterations to my life over the past 4-1/2 months. It started with stopping the Lexapro... then some health issues that I'm still dealing with, then stopping the alcohol... and dropping 22 pounds.
Add all that to a mid-life crisis, and WHOA. I'm amazed at myself that I'm still vertical. And not in a straight jacket. ;-)
As I've become very fond of saying... It is what it is.
To be continued..... ?
I do have lots to talk about... for instance: I am now 4-1/2 months post Lexapro. It has been a life changing experience. I went off of it for the right reasons, both issues have righted themselves nicely.
I also made the decision 52 days ago to quit drinking. Drinking has been a huge part of my life since I was a teenager. I went from typical teen binge drinking, to a daily drinker, to a daily drink too MUCHER. For about a year the thought of stopping would cross my mind daily. But I always had a reason NOT to. "After the holidays, I don't want to be NOT drinking during the holidays." "After my birthday, I have to be able to have a drink on my birthday." "After vacation, what's the beach without drinks?" And so on, and so on. And then finally I just up and realized it was time. It was almost like a switch went on (or off?) in my head.
Going through some health issues that may have been made worse by alcohol made it easier to quit. I have so many friends behind me on this... the support has been unanimous and just continues with each day. Bob seems surprised, yet I think he's proud. We don't really discuss it. I find that I shock people with the news. Some almost seem dismayed. Some don't believe that I'll stay sober. After all, I spent 35 years drinking. Happily drinking. LOVED drinking. Loved the buzz... but when the buzz became the impetus to my life, it was time.
What made me laugh a bit was the response of the two AA people I know. They were the ONLY two people that didn't ask "why?". They knew. Without even knowing me well, they KNEW. They had been there. And both have offered me their support 24/7. Cell phone numbers and instructions to call any time, even if it's 2:30am, if I'm in trouble. What an incredible gift.
And actually, it's been easier than I thought. I have had a few craves - one very severe crave last weekend. Almost opened a bottle of wine. Came very close, but overcame it. I kept thinking how proud I was of myself to actually be able to control this - and just worked through it. And the withdrawals, well - they suck. But I'm getting through that also. The mood swings, and the headaches... they are a bitch.
Now, when I think about this, it amazes me - I have done some life changing alterations to my life over the past 4-1/2 months. It started with stopping the Lexapro... then some health issues that I'm still dealing with, then stopping the alcohol... and dropping 22 pounds.
Add all that to a mid-life crisis, and WHOA. I'm amazed at myself that I'm still vertical. And not in a straight jacket. ;-)
As I've become very fond of saying... It is what it is.
To be continued..... ?
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