Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Go get comfy. This might be a long one. In fact, I may go grab a cup of coffee...
I remember when I first stopped drinking I was greatly concerned that I would lose my "ME". That I would lose my creativity, my love of words, my writing ability (what little of it there is) and my love of dirty and gross... This didn't happen. I found that I still loved the same things, and was able to write and talk about them with the same results. My creativity actually increased... and my focus got better.
That was a huge relief to me.
Then came AA. Six months into it, I know I have changed. I'm a work in progress, and that progress is going to take a long time, perhaps a lifetime, but I'm changing on a daily basis.
And once again, some fear crept in that I was going to change and lose my "ME". I could see the difference in my message board posts... and in my status updates and comments on facebook. I watched myself, almost as if I were looking over my shoulder, as I would type things that I never would have thought to type before.
Things like "Adding you to my prayers"; "hit your knees"; "Can I do anything for you?"; "please call me anytime you need someone to talk to"... stuff like that... I found myself becoming a kinder, gentler tigger. One with compassion instead of detachment. And meaning it. Not just typing the words... really meaning it.
I knew the new brave tigger would be welcomed - ascared tiggers can be trying on your nerves. That part of the new me didn't worry me. It was the baudy, naughty, dirty scraples bo, gross 13 year old boy tigger that seemed to be dwindling... and I was honestly ascared of losing her. Even Jeanne was having trouble doing the Font... trying desperately to find a tiggerism in my Dawg posts...
I was worried that I would lose my tiggerness.
So I asked some people that know me best. And their responses were all the same. I haven't disappeared. I'm just MORE ME, rather than LESS ME! And just so nobody is worried, I still love dirty things, and words like balls, boogers or penetration still make me do the :evil6: face, I love wearing my white socks and lighting candles, my scraples bos still make me wiggle in my seat, I still lust after Cyn's son and truly, any hot guy that crosses my path...
I'm still me.