Escalating...

It seems to be my word of the month. Things in my life are... escalating. Which isn't always a GOOD thing.

What's escalating right now? My food problems. Most of you know the issues I have with food, but I'll fill in the details for those interested.

Since I was a teenager I have had food issues. I'm not anorexic or bulimic (sp?) but there's a definite disorder happening. It's more of an anxiety induced problem. My stomach "shuts down" on me. I can "feel" it happening. Do you know the feeling of your stomach dropping when you hear something bad? That's almost what it feels like. It happens when I'm stressed or ascared.

When I'm highly stressed I can't eat at all. I live on those Ensure drinks so that I won't DIE.

But that's not the issue I'm dealing with right now. It's my problem of eating in front of people. Sounds stupid, doesn't it? Sometimes I know it's going to happen an hour or two before a meal. It happens more often with SOME friends more than others. Sometimes it shuts down after I start EATING a meal.

It used to only happen when Bobby was present, and we were with other people. Now it's happening when he isn't present. It's most embarrassing when you're at a restaurant and it happens.

I get very humiliated. And I have no control over it. I have gotten to the point where I will be physically ill and have to run to the ladies room. Just the SMELL of food will set me off.

It seemed to go in spurts, happening every few months, or sometimes not for a year at a time. But now it's happening again. FREQUENTLY. This past weekend at the beach it happened at almost every meal. Luckily it happened halfway THROUGH the meal so I was able to get some nourishment and attempt to hide from the others that it happened.

I wasn't too successful. Hoopy seems to SENSE when it's happening.

Next weekend is the Intercourse crop. I'm already in a dead panic over going OUT to eat to a restaurant. I've already told Donna about my fear, and I know she'll stick right by my side. NOT that the other girls wouldn't, but Donna's seen this happen to me in person and knows how to handle me.

And it's not just the going to the restaurant part that ascares me. It's every damn meal now. I dread eating with people.

It has NEVER happened when I'm alone, it has never happened when it's just Bobby and I, home or at a restaurant.

I just don't know where to turn with this. It's not a physical issue, but I'm sure there's a drug out there that would help. When I was a teenager my doctor put me on Librax, and I had to take that an hour before each meal to calm me down.

I really don't want to have to do that again.

Thanks for listening... any advice is welcomed. OR if anyone has heard of this before, all information would be VERY appreciated... since I'm not allowed to go on WebMD ;-) I can't exactly research this.