Pain...

It's become a part of my life and I don't like it. One week from today I visit the RA specialist. I'm still not convinced that's what I have - but we'll start there.
I try not to be a complainer... really I do. But I'm so tired of pain. And not knowing where the pain is going to be from hour to hour...
I swear it's hit every joint and bone at some point over the past few months. My right index finger has a knuckle that is almost twice the size of the others, is SO sore - crunches - stiff - sometimes unbendable... yet the xray showed nothing remarkable. HOW could there be NOTHING there? You can SEE it... and I feel it.
I have had some days that I can't bear to even get out of a chair and DO something. I find myself being crankier (yes - more than normal) because I'm constantly not feeling good.
And then there are hours that I feel GREAT. NO pain... the Aleve has helped, but the pain breaks through every once in a while. But those hours are few and far between.
And other than my Lexapro (and thank GOD for my Lexapro) I detest taking medication. So if this doctor says "this pill will make you feel better but you have to take it every day"... well CRAP. I feel like I may never not hurt again.
Can you tell I'm having a painful day? Doesn't stop me from typing though. In fact sometimes my hands feel BETTER when I'm busy with them.
And just for the record? If my hands become so bad that I have trouble scrapping, take me out back and shoot me.
If you've made it this far - thanks for listening.