Pain...

It's become a part of my life and I don't like it. One week from today I visit the RA specialist. I'm still not convinced that's what I have - but we'll start there.
I try not to be a complainer... really I do. But I'm so tired of pain. And not knowing where the pain is going to be from hour to hour...
I swear it's hit every joint and bone at some point over the past few months. My right index finger has a knuckle that is almost twice the size of the others, is SO sore - crunches - stiff - sometimes unbendable... yet the xray showed nothing remarkable. HOW could there be NOTHING there? You can SEE it... and I feel it.
I have had some days that I can't bear to even get out of a chair and DO something. I find myself being crankier (yes - more than normal) because I'm constantly not feeling good.
And then there are hours that I feel GREAT. NO pain... the Aleve has helped, but the pain breaks through every once in a while. But those hours are few and far between.
And other than my Lexapro (and thank GOD for my Lexapro) I detest taking medication. So if this doctor says "this pill will make you feel better but you have to take it every day"... well CRAP. I feel like I may never not hurt again.
Can you tell I'm having a painful day? Doesn't stop me from typing though. In fact sometimes my hands feel BETTER when I'm busy with them.
And just for the record? If my hands become so bad that I have trouble scrapping, take me out back and shoot me.
If you've made it this far - thanks for listening.

Focus

Focus. My word for 2009 is Focus. Something that over the past few years I have grown NOT to do.
I need to focus my attention. I need to focus on my health. I need to focus on my family. I need to focus on my job.
In the past I have failed at focusing my attention on ONE thing. My mind has a mind of it's own. While watching tv I am thinking about scrapping, or reading, while reading I am thinking about what's on tv or who's online, while online I'm thinking about what's going to happen at work next week or how much my hands hurt and what will happen with that.
Well, I'm going to STOP that. I want to give things my ALL. And first and foremost is getting through this RA bullshit.

So... FOCUS dammit. FOCUS.

Hmmmm... what to talk about.

I'm feeling the need to talk about Tim Holtz again. Not sure why - but he's weighing on my mind for some reason.

I email him about once very 3 weeks or so - the busier he's gotten, the longer it takes for a response, but he always writes back.

Now, I don't kid myself that I'm the only one that emails him (insert big rolling eyes here) and that he responds to. (was that a dangling participle?) But every time I see a response in my inbox, my heart does a little pitter patter thing.

I think it's kind of funny that in MY world, he is a huge thing. To me he is someone famous, someone that thousands of people want to know, someone that people pay lots of $$ to meet, and learn from, someone that people want to touch, talk to, interact with, hug, laugh with, drink with, eat with, be friends with.

In HIS world, I am someone that he's never met, has emailed with for .. a few years, I'm just like hundreds of other people in his internet world.

In MY world, he is most special.

In HIS world, I am one of his fans.

He's an incredibly gifted, kind, generous and dammit SO cute, individual. Why is it so important to me to be part of HIS world????? Makes NO sense.

I am a 51 year old, happily married, semi-well adjusted woman. WHY is it important to me that I am known as his friend? Crazy shit. And that poor guy is probably shaking in his boots that this crazy lady from NJ is stalking him. ROFL!

I swear Tim - NO stalking is involved!!!! Except for stalking your blog, hoping to win a giveaway one of these days. Or a tshirt.

Maybe one day my wildest dreams will come true, and I will meet the man that inspires me every day to create, to experiment, to try new things and make art.

The Butterfly Project

I absolutely LOVE this - please help - I'm going to work on my butterflies and get them sent off to Texas...
Such a great idea for schools, or youth organizations - we can make this happen!!..


The Butterfly Project

5 years...

Hard to believe that 5 years ago today I said good-bye to Annie. It's still as fresh in my mind, and as sharp in my memory, as it was the day she died. Those years have tempered the pain a bit - and opening up here a while back helped - but I still think of her daily and miss her all the time.

Especially when I'm putting groceries away, which is something I just did. That was my phone call time with her.

So today I'm going to raise my glass of wine, toast my mother, and tell her again how much I love her and miss her.

Thanks for being my mother, Annie...

I am an Ingrid!

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are an Ingrid!

You are an Ingrid -- "I am unique"

Ingrids have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me

• * Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.


• * Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.


• * Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.


• * Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.


• * Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being an Ingrid

• * my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level


• * my ability to establish warm connections with people


• * admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life


• * my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor


• * being unique and being seen as unique by others


• * having aesthetic sensibilities


• * being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being an Ingrid

• * experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair


• * feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved


• * feeling guilty when I disappoint people


• * feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me


• * expecting too much from myself and life


• * fearing being abandoned


• * obsessing over resentments


• * longing for what I don't have

Ingrids as Children Often

• * have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original games


• * are very sensitive


• * feel that they don't fit in


• * believe they are missing something that other people have


• * attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.


• * become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood


• * feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

Ingrids as Parents

• * help their children become who they really are


• * support their children's creativity and originality


• * are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings


• * are sometimes overly critical or overly protective


• * are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz at HelloQuizzy

San Antonio!

Got to see a bunch of my Dawgs - Kat (an amazing tour guide), Jeanne, Cynthia, My Barb, Lori and STEVE!

Wanna see some pics?



A great time. A great place. I love TEXAS! Riverwalk was amazing, I could have spent my entire trip just walking around and drinking in the sights. ;-)