Faded Rainbows

honest.

2012-01-11T19:44:00.002-05:00

I know sometimes you guys must shake your heads and think "she makes that sh!t up".

I was getting a cleaning today. I'm lying there getting scraped, looking at the ceiling... and I see a freaking STINK BUG walking around. Linda and I had a good giggle about it, and a few minutes went by.

I watched the bug strolling all around. Above me. As I lay there with my MOUTH OPEN.

Now, you might think I'm about to say 'the bug fell in my mouth'.

No, no.... better than that.

I watched as something dropped OUT OF HIS BUTT, and in slow motion... came right towards my head. Linda saw my eyes rip open, stopped what she was doing and at that moment the offending piece of poop fell on her leg, just mere inches from my head.

I sh!t you not.

I'm... REFORMED?

2011-12-04T12:38:00.002-05:00

I had to share a cute story - this happened last night at an annual Christmas Party that we attend.

This is a large party - probably over 50 people - and it's hosted by close friends at their gorgeous home. We know about a quarter of the people outside our little crew of 4 to 5 couples.

So we're sitting in the living room, and there are a few people in the room that we don't know personally. One of those people, a man about my age, is drinking a large can of some type of specialty soda.

My friend Stan, (Mary Kay's hubby) leans over to me and softly asks...

"Is he one of your kind?"

"My KIND?"

"Yeah - you know... REFORMED."

"I'm REFORMED?"

"Reformed. Or whatever you call it."

"RECOVERING??"

"That's it."

"I don't know, why do you ask? Do you think we all know each other?"

"Well, he's been knocking back those tall weird sodas all night. I figure he's got SOME kind of issues."

"Well, when you're right, you're right, but no, I don't know him."

Can't blame it on autocorrect...

2011-11-16T16:31:00.002-05:00

So, I've talked about these patients before - the couple that talks and talks and talks and never leaves? Well, they were in this afternoon. The Mr. was in a treatment room, the Mrs. was out in the reception area.

Part One:

bsgirl bumps the back of my chair.

"Mrs K is playing with herself."

me: WTH?

I look and sure enough, there she is with her pants pulled out, her hand WAY down her pants... I stared for a moment not believing it, but then realized she was just tucking in her shirt. A lot. There was a LOT of tucking going on.

Bsgirl and I giggled a bit.

Part Two:

30 minutes later we hear from the reception room:

"aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh....ooooohhhhhhhhhhh"

And I hear bsgirl chortling. (SUCH a good word)

The chortle quickly becomes a snort and more chortles... and she tells me "DON'T turn around."

Which makes me immediately turn around... and I see her typing an IM to me. So I wait...

I wish I could do a photo upload... but I erased it too quickly... this was what it went like...

BSGIRL: Was that a delayed organism?

ME: Do you mean Orgasm??????????

BSGIRL: OMG

And that was the end of us for the rest of today. We had to leave the room... tears coming down... dissolving in giggles...

It took them almost 30 minutes to check out - it was at least 10 just to put coats on - (this is not because they are infirm in any way - they won't stop TALKING) and just a moment ago the phone rang... it was the Mrs.

She forgot her coat.

The Farting Monkeys.

2011-11-13T13:14:00.004-05:00

Ahhhh... finally, a few minutes to sit and write the Farting Monkey story. I'm supposed to be creating, but I'm waiting for a whole lotta spackle to dry, and I'm trying not to touch it. SO I'll type instead.

The story really starts with Chip... if you don't know who he is - read this.

The County College Of Morris used to hold a huge garage sale in one of its parking lots. Chip and Judy used to take a space and sell off their stuff every year. We would go to the sale, and hang with them and walk around, and have fun... and find treasures. As Bob and I walked around, we found... The Farting Monkeys. We knew the moment we saw them that they would be perfect for Chip. We delighted in giving each other very ODD gifts.

We gave the man a quarter, and hightailed it back to Chip & Judy's spot.

"Look what we bought you!!!"

"What the F*CK are they???"

"Farting monkeys!!!!"

"Oh COOL."

He pressed the button and farts abounded. He chortled and snickered and giggled.

Judy was HORRIFIED.

"You're not bringing them into the house."

"Oh yes I am, try and stop me."

The look Judy gave us would have stopped a clock... had there been a clock handy.

Rarely a day went by without hearing the Farting Monkeys on our answering machine. Chip would call while we were at work, set them off and all you could hear was him laughing in the background.

Then you'd hear Judy say "Turn those F*CKING THINGS OFF".

And then the world changed, and the Farting Monkeys were silenced... until...

the first County College garage sale after his death... and Judy, knowing Bob's addiction to collecting coolers, said "Here Bobby - I found this cooler and I want you to have it..."

I saw a LOOK in her eyes... and it was like slow motion - I turned to grab the cooler, all the while saying "Noooooooooooooooooooo....." but it was too late.

Bob accepted the cooler, opened it... and guess what was inside?

"They're YOURS now...." Judy grinned evilly.

So we ran home and called her answering machine. And left her a Farting Monkey message....

I love these damn Monkeys.

Say again?

2011-11-04T16:51:00.002-04:00

Or... my adventures in lip waxing.

Yeah - I'll come right out and admit it - I get my upper lip waxed. And a little on my chin too. Honestly - there's not too many women in their 50's that DON'T have a little 'stache action going on.

Luckily enough, my friend and neighbor Hoopy is a hairdresser. She's been doing my hair for umpteen thousand years, and also waxes me whenever I'm feeling furry.

She says she'll do my legs if I want her to, but she draws the line at a Brazilian. (I think she's a party pooper.)

The best part about colder weather is that hoopy's fingers tend to get very cold, and after she rips half my face off she quickly presses her fingers against my skin. This feels amazingly wonderful.

In the summertime it's nowhere NEAR as wonderful. Warm fingers pressed up against ouchy skin just doesn't cut it.

Well, today was cool... and hoopy was excited to show me that her fingers were cold. I did a little banana dance in my chair.

And the waxing commences... and my upper lip becomes nice and smooth. She presses her cold finger against my lip and says...

Ready? Wait for it...

"I'm saving my coldest finger for down there."

I RIPPED my eyes open to see where she was pointing...

It was my chin.

I thought perhaps that she was FINALLY going to do that Brazilian...

Beach Crop 2011

2011-10-27T13:05:00.003-04:00

Another incredible long weekend with my girls... there is truly nothing like a girlfriend. Especially ones that you love and trust with all your heart.

I shared at a meeting the other night that this crop was the best EVAH, because it was my first sober/AA crop. Two years ago I was newly sober, but not in the program. I was insane. I was craving... I was miserable... One year ago we didn't have the crop... so this year was a new beginning for me.

A few years back, toward the end of the weekend, we lined up all the empty booze bottles along the dune. It was a long line... because those crops were excuses to drink freely, heavily, and at all times of day or night. I was never sloshed - but I was always buzzed.

This year a different type of bottle was lined up...

I remember every moment of this crop - all the talking, the laughter, the tears... the therapy sessions... the serene moments early in the morning when I sat with my coffee as the sun rose... and I discussed the day to come with my Higher Power...

Here are some photos from the weekend - enjoy... and thanks for reading!

sometimes i even surprise myself...

2011-09-25T15:40:00.003-04:00

with the things that happen to me.

I was walking at the park, as is my norm, minding my own business. It's a Sunday morning, it's warm... the sun has peeked out and I'm enjoying communing with nature. Nature being my iPod, my lime green tank top, about 4,392 people (which included 4,134 cheerleaders of all different ages) a few dogs and some mosquitoes.

Football is in full swing, and I round the curve toward one of the fields. It's at this point that I have to dodge all 4,134 cheerleaders, who have decided to congregate ON the walking path instead of beside it. My apologies to the '75 RHS cheerleaders that I possibly may be friends with now (thank you fb), but why do cheerleaders think they are something special? I actually felt like I was that shy, gawky 16 year old again... but that's another post for another day. I digress.

Just as I get next to the playing field, just as I am MID stride, one foot raised in the air, one arm swinging one way, one the other way... JUST at that moment, the announcer screams on the PA system (well, ok, maybe he didn't scream, but it was LOUD) that little so and so made a touchdown... and it caught me so off guard that I hopped on one foot for a yard or two. Arms akimbo, leg in the air... I looked just like... The Karate Kid. And all 4,134 cheerleaders snickered. I know they did.

I'm sorry, can you repeat that?

2011-08-22T13:54:00.002-04:00

So... I couldn't even find a picture to go along with this post - because if I google any of the key words here, only p0rn sites come up.

Here's how it went down. Yesterday we went over to our friend's house for a cookout. Mary is also a patient at my office. I've known Mary for 25 years. Good friend. She married into our 'friend family'.

Well, the last time Mary was in, a couple of weeks ago, I wasn't there. I left early that day. Apparently Mary is having a tooth issue and needs to see a specialist. But hadn't called yet... so when I saw her yesterday I noticed that her jaw was swollen. She admitted that she was in some discomfort and had to take Aleve... but I told her she needed an antibiotic because she was swollen. She didn't want me to bother the boss, but this required intervention!!

So I texted my boss, and here is the volley of texts as it happened:

me: hey, at *****'s house, her LL jaw swollen, needs to call o/s tomorrow, antibiotic?

boss: yes what is pharmacy #, any allergies?

me: 973 555 0101 no allergies

boss: all done

me: thank you SO much

boss: that was an easy one

me: did you have a hard one?

boss: EXCUSE ME????????????????

me: OMG bwhahahaha please forget i said that

I may NEVER live this one down. I almost don't want to go into work tomorrow.

and sometimes...

2011-08-01T13:40:00.003-04:00

it's bsgirl that 'these things' happen to.

We have patients, an elderly couple, that live in the retirement community next door to our complex. They are THE most annoying people on earth. Now, before you get on my case about being mean - seriously - if you were alone in a room with them for more than 5 minutes you would look around for an escape hatch.

They talk NON-stop AT you. And they ramble about all different things - and none of it applies to what you're trying to talk to them about. They talk NON-stop AT each other. And neither answers.

They were in last week. As the Mr. half was checking out, and rambling on and on and on... AT me... I im'd bsgirl behind me "HELP".

Now, normally when we need to get each other out of this type of situation, the one not occupied will go into the doctor's office and call the office from the second line. The occupied party will have to answer the phone, and that USUALLY makes the offending occupier hit the road. We make believe we have an emergency patient on the line.

Well, after I im'd bsgirl, she picked up the phone at HER desk. Which is 3' behind MY desk. And instead of dialing the office line, she just made believe she was placing an order for paper towels for the office.

Here's how it went:

"Hello, this is Inga at Dr. VV's office. I need to place an order."

"obvious silence on the other end"

"Oh, wait, let me ask Sandi"

Bsgirl leans towards me and says "How many cases should we order?"

at this point, the offending occupier is starting to move toward the door, but is still within 5' of me.

"Well, let me see. Ask them how much per carton, please."

"How much is it per carton?"

"Oh, $43.59? Let me tell Sandi."

Before I could open my mouth to respond to her, what do I hear? What does EVERYONE in the vicinity hear????

Yep. That annoying loud beep beep beep of a phone being off hook for too long.

I bolted for the back room.

Bsgirl sat glued to her desk with the beeping phone still to her ear, her eyes about as big as saucers.

It was truly priceless.

This room is freaking ugly....

2011-07-19T07:20:00.002-04:00

SO... I did it again. This time I had a witness to it. Donna was right there, and heard every word.

The backstory:

We are leaving Brave Girls Camp, and heading back to Boise (btw, did you know it's pronounced 'BOY-SEE', not 'BOY-ZEE'?) and we hitched a ride from Eagle with Shelley, one of our Brave Girl cohorts. Shelley, Donna and I had lunch together and then she dropped us off at our motel near the airport.

Near the airport was kind of misleading. AT the airport was more like it. LOL But in it's defense, we didn't hear ANY plane traffic at all. Surprising. Now, let it be said that I chose the cheapest motel I could find for that night. And the Sleep-Inn didn't disappoint.

Keep in mind now, because it's part of the story, that NOBODY knew where we were staying except my husband, Donna's husband, and Shelley. The hubbies had our cell phone #'s... Shelley didn't.

Donna and I walk into the Sleep-Inn. Cute young girl behind the counter. All of about 22 years old. Fresh faced and smiling.

"Welcome to the Sleep-Inn!" she chirped.

She really did chirp. Seriously.

We checked in, got the room key and she directed us to the second floor... which could only be accessed by the two story staircase behind us.

"No elevator?" I said.

"No, sorry." she chirped again.

Donna and I looked at each other, shrugged and proceeded to hump our overpacked suitcases up the stairs.

This took about 10 minutes, and we were hot, schwetty messes by the time we reached room 208. Of course I was complaining all the way. And honestly, NO ELEVATOR????

After about 5 minutes, the motel room phone rang. Donna and I looked at each other like WTH? Only Shelley knew where we were... so I answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hi ladies, just wanted to make sure you got settled ok, how's the room?"

(Donna whispers 'who is it?', and I say 'Shelley'.)

"Well, let me tell you - it's pretty freaking ugly, it has a funky smell and we had to hump our suitcases up 2 flights of stairs because there's no freaking elevator."

Stunned silence on the other end.

"Yes... I'm so sorry about that. And I'm sorry about the smell, too".

At that moment my stomach dropped and I realized it wasn't Shelley. It was the chirpy girl at the front desk. I'd never had the front desk call the room before to ask if we were ok. I mean, we stayed at the freaking HILTON on the way IN, and THEY didn't call.

"It's fine, really, fine, no problems" I said and hung up.

I flung myself on Donna and cried with laughter.

"It wasn't Shelley."

The two of us laughed and snorted ourselves sick. I knew I had to apologize to this young girl, so we ran downstairs. Miss Chirpy was busy checking in a family, so we waited.

I'm guessing we weren't too obvious, standing behind the pole, still crying with laughter.

Finally I approached the desk.

The girl looked at me with fear. I guess she thought I was going to say 'freaking' to her one more time.

"I am SO sorry. I thought you were my girlfriend, Shelley. I never would have said that to you - the room is fine, honestly."

"It's ok. Good thing I have a good sense of humor though..." she said quietly.

All evidence of chirpiness was GONE. I destroyed this girl's afternoon.

I am officially a mean girl, and didn't even know it. The fact that we're still laughing about this proves it.

These things ONLY happen to me.

Bogart.

2011-06-03T17:28:00.003-04:00

My friend Amy's post on facebook yesterday reminded me of a funny story. So of course, I must share it with all of you.

Many years back, we had hermit crabs. Two of them. Bogart and Bacall. (yes - I am a Bogie fan) They lived in an aquarium in my kitchen. Easy pets... they ate Gainesburgers.

Well, Bogie had a wanderlust... and we'd find him outside the aquarium occasionally. He'd stretch REALLY big to the top lip of the aquarium, and launch himself out.

We'd hear him clicking around the top edge of the bowl, and knew he was out for an evening stroll. Then we'd place him back inside... (he was probably cursing us out BIG TIME)

One night I got up around 2am to pee. (aren't you glad I told you that?) I sat down on the toilet, MOSTLY still asleep, looked down and guess who was staring up at me?

All I can say is that it was a good thing I was already sitting on the toilet.

I come by it naturally...

2011-04-30T15:23:00.003-04:00

I shared this story with a facebook friend the other day, and forgot how funny it was...

This happened about 25 years ago. My mom was living in Lake Hopatcong at that time, I was in Mt Olive.

My mother was a character. In fact, character is too light of a word. She was funny, naughty, sharp and loving. And 25 years ago, liked to knock back the drinks...

So on with the story. It was a Saturday morning. The phone rang and it was my mother. The conversation went something along these lines:

"Sandi, something happened."

"What, Ma?"

"I think someone broke into my house last night."

"OMG - are you ok?????"

"Yes. I'm fine. But I'm very frightened."

"Did you call the police? Is anything missing?"

"No. Nothing is missing. But they left a NOTE."

"Holy crap - what does it say???"

"I don't know. I can't read it - it's just dirty words and scribbles - it's very strange and frightening."

"Do you want me to come over?"

"Yes. Can you come? I want to show it to you, maybe you can figure out what they were trying to say to me. Say, you don't think it was ALIENS, do you???"

"No, Ma. I don't think it was aliens. Let me jump in the shower and we'll come over in a little while."

"Ok - I'm locking all my doors, just knock when you get here."

SOOOOOO I showered and got ready to go and just as I was leaving the phone rang.

"Sandi? You don't need to come. I figured out what the note was."

"Really? What?"

"I heard a dirty joke on tv last night and I thought it was so funny that I jotted down some words so I'd remember it."

This is what happens when you get very, very tipsy, watch tv and write yourself notes. Don't do that.

Uvula. It's a funny word...

2011-04-04T13:57:00.003-04:00

Ok - look at the picture. See the Uvula? It's the punching bag in the back of your throat. Yes, it's a funny word.

A little backstory: I have the ability to open my throat. Really WIDE. (I can hear everyone snickering now) (BEHAVE). My boss cracks up everytime I'm in the chair - you can literally look down my throat without touching anything in my mouth.

I'm a multi-talented tigger.

So the other day I was having a tooth issue. There I was, in the dental chair, patients in the other treatment rooms... and bsgirl (who LOVES to make up her own words for things and people) YELLS from the front desk...

Ready?

"DOCTOR - MAKE SURE YOU CHECK HER VULVA WHILE YOU'RE IN THERE!!"

I sh*t you not. The entire office erupted in laughter. Welcome to my world.

Lessons...

2011-03-22T08:44:00.002-04:00

I had to work this past Saturday. As you know, this didn't make me happy. I wanted to be in my studio... playing with paper and ink and mod podge... yet here I was, dressed in my scrubs, standing in my office holding a clear plastic garbage bag in front of a patient while he puked.

You would think that would have just put me over the edge... but it didn't. Yes, it was kinda gross - but you know I'm all about gross. What it did was embed even further that kindness and compassion go further, and make you feel better, than anger and resentment.

My patient, Matt, is a high functioning Downs Syndrome man. He's 28. He holds a job, and drives a car. He frosts and spikes his hair. He doesn't have a mean bone in his body. He looks at you with all the honestness and earnestness that a human can have.

He was so ascared of having two fillings done. I sat him in the treatment room and I saw the tears roll down his cheeks. I patted his back as I put the bib on, and tried to reassure him that he would do just fine... but as brave as he tried to be, he failed.

The sobs started to come... and it took some time to calm him down. I sat in the treatment room next to him as he told me about his bad week. He hit a deer, his boss yelled at him because he did something wrong... and now "THIS". It was just all too much for this innocent boy...

All of a sudden he looked at me and said "I'm not feeling too well, I think I have to gag."

I'm usually NOT the one you want around in a panic situation. I tend to go sit in a corner and hide.

But something was guiding me... I quickly removed the Nitrous mask and sat him up... grabbing the first thing I could get my hands on - the clear plastic garbage bag. And I held that bag while he got sick... over and over again. And in between heaves he would cry and apologize... And I rubbed his arm and softly told him that he was going to be fine, and that it was ok...

I actually amazed myself. Didn't think I had that in me...

Of course, when he was better, and I left the room to dispose of the bag, I collapsed in the back room and shook. After-shock...

Matt was sent out to a dental office that could meet his special needs... and he's going to be just fine. I'll miss him. He touched my heart... and my life.

Um. Help?

2011-03-10T12:32:00.003-05:00

So, I don’t know if this will translate well. It might be one of those ‘you really had to be there’ moments.

My friend Linda gave me a beautiful silver necklace. I wear it every day. Last night, I was SO dead tired as I was getting ready for bed, that I decided to get lazy and see if the necklace would pull over my head instead of unclasping it.

Voila. It worked.

Pleased as punch, this morning I decided to pull the necklace ON without unclasping it. (Remember, I am the epitome of lazy) (also – just so you know, bsgirl pronounces epitome as Epi Tome (rhymes with Rome))

Well, I had hot rollers in my hair, and the necklace got stuck over the roller on my left side, and UNDER the roller on my right side, and was pulled completely across my eyelids. I was stuck. With my eyes closed. Well, I couldn’t OPEN them, the necklace was pulled so tightly against my lids that I had no choice.

And there I stood.

I’d only had one cup of coffee, so the brain cells weren’t completely firing. Took me a moment to realize the only way to get the necklace off was to unclasp it. That was one hell of a long moment...

Fear...

2011-03-07T15:31:00.002-05:00

Lump. Lump. LUMP. LUMP.

Of course, the doctor didn't even have to SAY the word 'lump'... the longest 30 seconds of my life were spent with her fingers massaging one single spot on my left tata. I knew when she didn't just move along like she usually does, that the next words out of her mouth were words I was NOT going to want to hear.

And sure enough... I was right. "I'm feeling something right HERE", she said. And she grabbed my fingers and put them where she was pressing.

"I don't feel anything".

"Here. Right HERE".

"I still don't feel it".

That's almost as ascary as feeling it. WHY couldn't I feel it???? Who knows...

And the rest of my nice, calm, happy doctor visit was not so nice, calm or happy.

The doctor said "it's probably NOTHING, but I want you to have it checked out, and don't wait." Those of you that know me, know that this was equal to telling me "you have cancer and you're going to die within the month".

I called the moment I got home and made the appointment for another mammo and ultrasound for today, Monday. And I then spent 72 hours worrying. Even though logically I knew that it was PROBABLY nothing, most breast lumps are benign things... this was ME. I'm a worrier... to the n'th degree. Once you've had one cancer diagnosis, you always think you're getting another one. Even though it will be 20 years for me in May, it's ALWAYS in the back of my mind.

I'm not one to keep stuff like this to myself, so within moments of leaving the doctor's office on Friday I had texted a few people... and the phone calls and texts started rolling in... I went home and got on my boards and filled in the friends that I hadn't texted or talked to. I was in close contact with my sponsor - and although I know she was worried, I was never in danger of taking a drink. But her support was invaluable. As usual. ;-)

I spent the weekend in my studio - creating stuff. That was the only time my mind didn't work overtime. Hb was good about it - he left me to my own devices, and just offered support when I needed it.

And then FINALLY Monday came. And I went for the follow up Mammo (my last one was just 5 months ago) and down to Morristown for an Ultrasound.

The Mammo girl couldn't find the lump. The U/S girl couldn't find the lump. I couldn't find the lump. We knew about where it was, 4:00, according to my doctor, but we couldn't feel it.

The U/S tech rubbed and rubbed with the U/S thingy (that's my technical name for it) and I watched the screen intently.

"do you see anything?"

"Nope... everything LOOKS normal."

My heart sank. This was not what I wanted to hear - if my doctor FELT something, something WAS there, and it was hiding itself from the rest of the world.

The radiologist came in. Nice doctor. He's been reading my mammo's for the past 16 years.

"Sandi - there is absolutely no change in your mammo from the last ones, and I don't see anything on the U/S, but let me take a look."

He rubbed my tata. (my tatas have had a LOT of attention lately) He zeroed in on it immediately - I guess you have to have an MD after your name in order to feel my lump. And he grabbed the U/S Thingy (again - techy term) and rubbed all over it.

"You're fine. Normal breast tissue". (He wasn't big on words, but the words he spoke were good ones)

I said "Normal. Just tissue. No cyst? No TOOMAH?"

"Nope. Normal."

I said "So... what IS it?"

"It's you. It's just YOU and the way you're made."

Ok. I can accept that.

Thanks to all that supported me and held me up with your prayers and good thoughts... those Dawg thoughts worked their magic once again.

My friends are my lifeline, I've said it time and time again, and I mean it everytime I say it.

And I never want to hear the word LUMP again.

My Reality...

2011-02-25T14:11:00.003-05:00

Yeah. I'm copying my Princess. I liked her blog post. You can read it here.

1. My bed is only made Friday, Saturday and Sunday. During the week, fuggedaboudit - even if I'm home.

2. I have a hard time creating in my studio when I'm home alone. I gravitate to the computer, and we all know what happens then.

3. If something happens to Charlie Sheen, and 2-1/2 Men goes off the air, I will be seriously heartbroken.

4. However, Lindsay Lohan could drop off the face of the earth and I wouldn't bat an eyelash. Same goes for most of the Housewives, those Kardashian women and all the guests on Maury Povich.

5. In a moment my dryer will buzz, and I will feel resentful.

6. Something that makes me happy to look at: I have a Tigger baseball cap sitting on top of a lampshade in my studio. And a tiara on top of the cap. Not many people can say they have that.

7. I love to clean my bathroom. To me, there is nothing like a clean bathroom, yet the moment it's used for the first time after cleaning, it's ruined completely. Nothing is quite as pristine.

8. My tabs are always open in a specific order. And it must be adhered to.

9. I carry a cup of coffee to all my meetings. I spill my cup of coffee carrying it to all my meetings. Everyone knows when I walk into the room, I require napkins immediately.

10. My dryer is now buzzing and yes, I feel resentful. I think I'll have a cup of coffee before I go fold towels.

Twisted...

2011-02-11T14:52:00.002-05:00

Since the weather is SO horrible this winter, I haven't been able to take my walks every day. The park is snowed under, and our streets are in bad shape with ice... and it's FR (that's Phuck Ridiculous) cold and I refuse to walk outside in those conditions.

Or, how about I just tell you the truth and say I'm too spoiled and lazy to go outside in this weather...

SO I came up with the idea that dancing, specifically dancing the Twist, would be a great indoor activity that would help me stay in shape.

I downloaded a few 'twist' songs and burned them. I've been twisting around the house for about a week.

Today I put my cd on and twisted around while I was dusting the house. I made it into the bedroom and started dusting my bureau, which has a large mirror on it.

Can I just tell you how horrifying it is to watch yourself dance? Here I thought I looked just FINE. Yeah. NSM. I may never dance in public again.

That is all.

Tell me it's not just ME...

2011-01-25T19:32:00.003-05:00

Our dental supply company has branched out and now has a Techy department. We need new techies. I don't like our current techies. I forgot they were sending out one of those techies to evaluate our computer system and give us a quote on being our new service techies.

He came at 9am. He was a young man. Not techy looking at all. Not bad looking. Not incredible, not UPS hot or anything like that. But presentable. His name was Sean.

The rest of my office came in at 9:30... and patients would be starting at 10:00. At 9:45 or so, Sean disappeared. We checked all over, no Sean. But he left his usb thingamabob stuck in bsgirl's computer.

SO of course we had a field day - "ooh - Sean left his stick in your thing!" "oh no, Sean lost his thingy!" "Inga's got Sean's thingy!!!" and on and on and on...you get the idea.

And we're loud. We're not a quiet bunch. And we're laughing and hooting...

And then I decided to go outside to get the mail. And I opened the back doorway into the hallway...and with my back to the hall I made one more "Sean's stick thingy remark", turned around... and there stood Sean. On his cell.

Of course he heard it all...

Only me. I swear... only me.

Keurig -3; tigger -0

2011-01-15T08:57:00.002-05:00

Seriously. I have never had such issues with a machine in my entire life.

First of all, for whatever reason, I can put in the water, I can put in the Pod, but putting the mug under the nozzle? Too much for me, apparently. Perhaps I overload on that 3rd step. And I'm really GOOD at step work. Usually.

I found out how quickly I can move right after using my Keurig for the first time. It was probably the 3rd cup I'd set up, when I heard that gurgle noise, telling me that my wonderful hot cup of coffee was about to squirt out of the nozzle, that I turned around and saw that there was NO mug under said nozzle. I flew across the kitchen, grabbed the first mug I could reach and put it under JUST in the nick of time.

The second time... yeah. That didn't happen. I heard the gurgle. Never turned around. Heard the gurgle end. Went to get my coffee, and there was nothing there. Nothing. No mess, no coffee all over the place - nothing. Now, I KNEW I'd made a cup of coffee. So where was it?

That's when I discovered that the drip tray of the Keurig Mini will hold an entire 10oz cup of coffee. Neatly. No mess. Of course, transferring that same coffee to my mug... that's another story.

And then yesterday arrived... and I was making dinner. I needed to open 2 cans. Did you know that a Keurig Mini will not open a can? Even if you put the can on the drip tray and press down the handle? Nope. Won't open. And I giggled to myself... such a silly tigger. Opened the can correctly with my CAN OPENER, added the contents to my pot. Turned around with the second can, and YES - you guessed it - once again put it IN MY KEURIG and pressed the handle.

If anyone knows the proper removal techniques for a head up an arse, please let me know?

I refuse to let this machine beat me. I am a Brave Girl. I will win.

Eventually.

Hmmmm.... me?

2011-01-04T14:42:00.002-05:00

Go get comfy. This might be a long one. In fact, I may go grab a cup of coffee...

I remember when I first stopped drinking I was greatly concerned that I would lose my "ME". That I would lose my creativity, my love of words, my writing ability (what little of it there is) and my love of dirty and gross... This didn't happen. I found that I still loved the same things, and was able to write and talk about them with the same results. My creativity actually increased... and my focus got better.

That was a huge relief to me.

Then came AA. Six months into it, I know I have changed. I'm a work in progress, and that progress is going to take a long time, perhaps a lifetime, but I'm changing on a daily basis.

And once again, some fear crept in that I was going to change and lose my "ME". I could see the difference in my message board posts... and in my status updates and comments on facebook. I watched myself, almost as if I were looking over my shoulder, as I would type things that I never would have thought to type before.

Things like "Adding you to my prayers"; "hit your knees"; "Can I do anything for you?"; "please call me anytime you need someone to talk to"... stuff like that... I found myself becoming a kinder, gentler tigger. One with compassion instead of detachment. And meaning it. Not just typing the words... really meaning it.

I knew the new brave tigger would be welcomed - ascared tiggers can be trying on your nerves. That part of the new me didn't worry me. It was the baudy, naughty, dirty scraples bo, gross 13 year old boy tigger that seemed to be dwindling... and I was honestly ascared of losing her. Even Jeanne was having trouble doing the Font... trying desperately to find a tiggerism in my Dawg posts...

I was worried that I would lose my tiggerness.

So I asked some people that know me best. And their responses were all the same. I haven't disappeared. I'm just MORE ME, rather than LESS ME! And just so nobody is worried, I still love dirty things, and words like balls, boogers or penetration still make me do the :evil6: face, I love wearing my white socks and lighting candles, my scraples bos still make me wiggle in my seat, I still lust after Cyn's son and truly, any hot guy that crosses my path...

I'm still me.

Dusting it off...

2011-01-04T10:11:00.003-05:00

Sniffle, SNEEZE!! Wow... the dust is thick in here. I have excuses. Many of them. Ready?

1) This is the first day I've had to myself since the end of October.
2) Need I go on?

Life has been one crazy journey... the most fun, the most heartache, the most ascary.. journey.

To catch things up, (yes - this is a PRE-post - the actual blog post will come AFTER this) AA is going great - life changing in a good way. Learning more about myself each day. Not necessarily liking what I'm learning, but learning how to FIX what I don't like. So that's a good thing.

Work is work. I guess if I didn't have that to bitch about, I'd find something else.

Still loving facebook, the new RHS1975 page is a hoot - and I've reconnected with a lot of nice people. NEVER in a million years would I have expected this - just read back one year - I was NOT going to revisit high school EVER again - and here I am. Loving it.

Creating... still creating. Made a few angels for gifts... 2 of which went over quite well. The other one? Yeah... NSM. But you can't please everyone, right? Gearing up for Soul Restoration, and in 6 months I will be at Brave Girls Camp.

I find that there are only a few instances that my mind quiets... one is while I'm creating something. So I hope to never lose my passion for art...

So, as you can see, I haven't had a lot to blog about - but promise to be here every day this week. Tomorrow's subject - the new ME. AKA Tigger The New and Improved.

I'm sorry... can you spell that?

2010-09-18T16:40:00.002-04:00

Time to laugh. I will tell the Beenis story. Ready?

A new patient called to make an appointment for his young son. The man was VERY hard to understand, Asian and I was having a lot of difficulty deciphering what he was trying to tell me.

I was able to finally understand that his son was 3 years old, and he looked in his mouth and thought he saw a cavity.

OK. This I can work with. So I need to get some information in order to put the patient into the computer. And this is where the story unfolds... last name is changed to protect the innocent... lol)

Me: May I have your name please?

Him: WOOO.

Me: Wooo? Double U oh oh oh?

Him: No. WU. Double U U.

Me. Ah. Wu. May I have your son's name please?

(ready? Here's where it gets interesting)

Him: Penis.

Me: ..... nothing. I got nothing. I'm sitting there in stunned silence.

Me: Penis?

Him: Penis.

Me: (trying to hold back laughter) Can you spell that please?

Him: Bee. e. e. n. i. s.

Me: OHHHHH. B. BEENIS???

Him: Yes! Beenis.

So... shaking with laughter, I finish putting ol' Beenis into the computer, and making up a chart. Beenis has become the talk of the office, and we can't WAIT to meet this poor little boy with such a name.

Finally the day comes... and in walks this adorable little 3 year old... and his father hands me all the paperwork on him.

Yeah. It's not Beenis. It's DENNIS. (((sigh))) His chart forever remained Beenis... and my little sock monkey on my desk? I labeled him. He's Beenis.

SOMEBODY had to be Beenis.

Shhhh. Don't tell tim...

2010-08-16T12:27:00.003-04:00

Over the past few years I've developed a wonderful friendship with Mario. I 'met' Mario through tim... and just fell head over heels for this guy. He's amazingly funny, an incredible friend, and just always there when I need to talk, vent or cry on his shoulder.

He's one of the two guys in my life that tell me to CHILL. He's also the one that will be bailing me out...

He's the reason I tweet. (and I still don't get twitter - I'm a loyal facebook girl) And if you don't follow him on twitter, you're missing out on great BTS stuff!!

Just wanted him to know how much he means to me - even though we've never met in person, (SOMEDAY!!) I still consider him a good friend... and I thank you for being there for me!!

The things that happen to me...

2010-08-12T13:22:00.002-04:00

So I know I've had problems in the past with mistaken identity. If you recall an older blog post about the hunky guy I was eyeing at the park... the one that turned out to be a FEMALE... well... I did it again. Only this time I did it even BETTER.

I was leaving the office last night, walking down the sidewalk to the parking lot. I saw a man and a couple of kids walking toward me. I swore I knew this man. I swore I not only KNEW this man, I liked this man, and I swore not only did I know him and LIKE him, I like to flirt with him.

Yes. I admit it. I flirt. Outrageously. But that's not the issue here.

So before I know it, my flirt instinct pops out and I give this guy a huge smile, a come-hither look, tossing my hair and thrusting the tatas. You know, typical flirt stance.

He looks at me, and gives me a HUGE smile back... and I'm quite certain there was a come-hither look in HIS eyes also, except they were hidden behind sunglasses. It's at this point I realize I do not know this man.

He is a stranger. You would think the fact that he had small kids with him would have tipped me off. Since the man I thought he was has 2 kids in college. But that's beside the point.

At the same moment my brain is registering OMG I DON'T KNOW YOU, HIS brain is registering OMG THIS WOMAN WANTS TO JUMP MY BONES.

I turned a most lovely shade of purple and speedwalked to my car.

These things only happen to me. I'm not sure why. Probably just so I can amuse my friends by letting them laugh at me.

365 days...

2010-07-30T14:19:00.002-04:00

Better known as one year... I made it. I made it with the help and love and support of my friends and family - and for the past month, the help of AA.

I cannot sing the praises of AA enough - this was the best move EVER.

I'm happy... in almost all areas of my life right now. I say almost with a bit of a grimace. Maybe one day all areas will be happy, I'm sure hoping so.

But if it's not? I'll be ok. I'm a brave girl, remember?

Baking The Bod and Tanning The Tatas

2010-06-27T16:02:00.004-04:00

This is my new lounge chair. Some of you are aware of the angst that occurred during the lounge chair search. I have to say, the wait was worth it. I ended up with exactly what I wanted. Or at least I thought I did.

Now. How do I tell him that I still can't lay (lie?) on my stomach because it's too uncomfortable?

It's not the chair's fault. It's the tatas. What I have discovered is that I can only tan my back when I'm in the sand and can dig out a nice hole for the tatas to drop into.

I don't care who sees me do it. I sculpt a beautiful hole, perfectly sized and placed, and then drop 'em in. And then I'm done for 30 minutes or until my arms fall asleep. Whichever comes first.

So you should visualize my body right now. I've been tanning my front for well over a month. I'm pretty damn tan. Until I turn my back on you.

I have a brown frontside and a white backside. And I have 5 days until I can drop the tatas into sand... so if you see me in the grocery store, please try not to stare at my backside.

And by backside I don't mean my arse. Although if you want to stare at that, go ahead. Just don't comment on it's whiteness. Spanks...

Fitting in...

2010-06-19T14:15:00.002-04:00

Met up with 8 people from high school last night. I put my Brave Girl pants on, and went by myself... Out of the 8, one is my friend, the others I barely knew...

But I knew they were the cool kids. And I wasn't that cool kid. And it was the most surreal feeling in the world to be sitting there with them, talking and laughing as if I were a part of their world. (remember that high school world that I said I was saying goodbye to and putting behind me? Yah. I lied)

I kept wondering how I would appear to them. If they would like me. If I looked good enough. If I laughed enough, or talked too much... or if I was boring and painful to listen to.

Does that feeling of awkwardness ever go away? Considering my age, I guess not.

These people were nothing but nice, warm, caring and fun. I just couldn't shake the old feelings of inadequacy. Always wanting to be better, and prettier, and funnier and, well... just FIT IN with the cool kids.

I'm so glad I went, and that I stayed... and all I want to know is what they said about me after I left. ;-)

I crack myself up sometimes.

I am a Brave Girl...

2010-05-21T14:27:00.003-04:00

Officially.

In July of 2011, Donna and I will attend Brave Girls Camp. Ever hear of it? Here's a link: http://www.bravegirlsclub.com/

It sounds phenomenal.. and we are beyond excited. I'm told it's a life changing experience...

And just the fact that I booked it and stood up for myself makes me a brave girl already!!!!!

First and Foremost...

2010-05-15T13:03:00.002-04:00

I made the top 100. That is exciting - but I can't just graciously accept congratulations.

I had nothing to do with it. All I did was enter. Sure, that was big (for ME) but all I did was click some keys and enter.

It was my friends that got me there. It was the love and kindness of my friends, and THEIR friends that put me where I needed to be.

I am forever grateful.

People ask me what's next now... and the answer is this - it's before the judges, I'm not even thinking about it- I did what I set out to do. Top 100. That's all I needed.

Beauty

2010-04-28T18:18:00.002-04:00

So this is all new to me. This contest crap. I don't enter contests. I have to be prodded to enter something creative into a contest. I'm just not an enterer. I don't like competition.

So WTH made me enter this More Magazine thing?? What was I THINKING?

I'll tell you what I was thinking. I entered because I didn't think I'd have the GUTS to enter. I never thought I'd have a chance at anything - I just wanted to try something OUT of the box.

And once I looked over the other entries and saw the amount of votes some of these women had I figured I'd probably land somewhere in the middle. Never thought I'd have a shot at the top 100. And the top 100 is the place to be. That gets you to the second round of judging.

At that point it's no longer a popularity contest - seeing how many of your friends and family you can nag, beg and bribe to vote for you. It's before the judges... and they choose the top 3 based on looks and story.

Well, imagine my surprise when today I tied for 95th place.

That means top 100. That means I'm IN it. That means this is real all of a sudden. And then this FEELING came over me. I think I feel...

COMPETITIVE.

Now I want that top 100 more than anything. I know I won't win - I'm not kidding myself. But I want that damn top 100. I need to hold my own until May 12th.

And this is the LAST time I'm entering ANYTHING. My nerves can't take it.

Like Pavlov's dog...

2010-04-21T06:56:00.003-04:00

A little background. At my office I am in charge of recording the answering machine message. I do this twice a day. Once at lunch, and once before I leave. I press a button, the machine beeps and I begin my message... they all begin the same way - "Thank you for calling Dr. Vander Vliet's office...."

More background. For 21 years I've been calling prescriptions into pharmacies for my patients. I've never had any issues. Well, except that one time that I had to call one in for a patient with the last name of Dick. And yes - I burst into giggles while on the phone with the pharmacy.

SO... the other day I had to call the pharmacy, and most have the option to leave the prescription info on an answering machine.

I listen, I hear the beep and guess what comes out of my mouth?

Yep. "Thank you for calling ..."

I knew there was no recovery from that. I hung up on the machine. I laughed so hard I cried. I waited over an hour to call the pharmacy back just in case they knew it was ME. lol

That wasn't the worst part.

The next day I did it AGAIN with another pharmacy. Only this time... MORE came out of my mouth.

So there was no hiding. I just giggled my way through the prescription. I will NEVER show my face in RiteAid again. Just so you know...

All grown up? I think not...

2010-04-18T13:00:00.002-04:00

I try to convince myself, (and others) that I'm a grown up. I mean seriously, at age 52 (almost 53 EGADS) I should be self-sufficient, right? I should be able to make conscious decisions that will better ME. Right? I should be able to stand alone and run my household and my body efficiently and in a healthy manner. Right?

Ha. Ha, I say.

Left to my own devices this morning at the early hour of 7:30am, I have gotten the following accomplished:

Drank some coffee.
Drank some more coffee.
Ate a yogurt.
Ate a cold piece of pizza.
Finally showered.
Surfed the 'net.
Surfed the 'net some more.
Worked on a scrapbook page.
Surfed the 'net a little bit.
Realized I was cold and started the woodstove.
Surfed the 'net.
Restarted the woodstove because I surfed the 'net too long and it went out.
Realized it was lunch time.
Ate another yogurt.
Decided I needed some protein, so I poured some nuts into a paper cup and then poured them into my mouth.
Picked up nuts from my carpet.

So there you have it. Left on my own, I got NOTHING accomplished, ate terribly, got nuts stuck in my carpet and socks, and a scrapbook page halfway done.

But I did surf the 'net. ;-)

That's what a normal grown up would do, right?????

Wine, wine... wine.

2010-04-02T11:17:00.002-04:00

Day 246. I had an interesting conversation with my brother last night. He asked how I was doing with not drinking, and I proudly told him my day count. He asked if I thought I would ever just try to take one glass of wine, and keep my drinking to a minimum.

I laughed, and said that I knew better than that. One glass of wine a week would turn into one glass of wine a day, which would turn into three glasses of wine a day... which is where my story started. I don't have the 'want' to just have one glass a week. If I'm going to drink, I'm going to get buzzed. That's the only reason I would ever drink. That's the only reason I ever DID drink.

So then the interesting part of the conversation happened. He apologized to me for having 2 beers the last time he was at my home.

Nonsense, I said... I don't care if you drink in front of me - it has no impact at all. The husband drinks a beer every night. There is a bottle of wine in the cabinet.

He's not the first person to feel funny about drinking in front of me. And that makes ME feel bad!

My drinking was a very solitary act. Yes, I drank with friends, but rarely allowed myself to get too buzzed. I was always ascared I'd get sick. But at home? No problem. I'd suck them down until I couldn't walk straight. And my FAVORITE time to drink was alone on my deck, with my book, the sun and a large LARGE glass of wine.

So seeing someone drink in front of me holds no 'want'. And I can't say it enough to my friends and family - go ahead and drink - PLEASE! It truly doesn't make any difference to me at all, and WON'T make me fall off the wagon.

Only *I* can make myself fall off the wagon. And I'm clinging to that wagon with every breath I take.

When I grow up, I wanna be....

2010-03-27T13:04:00.003-04:00

The Echo. 1975. My high school yearbook from the year I graduated, 35 years ago... I keep this yearbook, along with all the others, up in my attic - buried under a pile of crap. And while looking through it, I realized how much I TRULY don't miss high school. This was not part of the 'best years of my life'.

I was not a popular girl. I didn't have a crowd of friends, or a string of boyfriends. I was quiet, ascared of everything, very unsure of myself... well, hell - I haven't changed much since then. I glanced at the senior portraits, which included little tidbits about ourselves. My nicknames, 'Floyd and Mousey' (don't remember why I was called mousey);my dislikes, 'being called short'; my likes, 'a certain guy's big brown eyes (I think that might have been a guy named Jack); my future hopes - being a journalist.

I was not an involved student - I went to class, got average grades, had a few close friends and mainly tried to stay OUT of the line of sight of the popular kids. They certainly weren't about to include me in their lives. The first few years of high school I spent my time trying to be just like THEM. Didn't work. All it did was make them look at me like I had two heads. The only club I joined was the school newspaper and magazine. With the other misfits. ;-)

I was not the girl that the boys wanted to bring home to meet their parents. I had a slender body and very large tatas. Of course, that meant I was fast and loose. (insert rolling eyes here) If you had large tatas, it meant you were automatically a slut. So I had this incredibly bad reputation, for no reason. I was a virgin until my 18th birthday. But you would have NEVER known that by the boys in my senior class. I apparently slept with most of them. And a few juniors, too. And possibly some of their older brothers.

It wasn't until I was long out of high school that I realized those 4 years were DONE, over, and not to be held in my memory any longer. LET it go.

So this is me, letting it GO. Goodbye Roxbury High School, Class of 1975. You don't impact my life at all anymore.

What was that sound???

2010-03-21T13:23:00.002-04:00

So I get up early this morning, leaving hb snoozing in bed. This is my favorite time of day. 6:15am, still dark, quiet, coffee in hand, Sunday paper in the other hand.

I hear something fall in the basement.

I ignore it.

Over the course of a half hour I hear many sounds from the basement. Scurrying noises. Things tipping over.

We have a critter. So hb finally wakes up and I say "good morning, we have a critter in the basement."

And down he goes, clad in his boxer briefs and nothing else.

At this point I'm just praying it's not a BIG critter.

I hear him call my name, asking for my help. Yeah right. Like I'm going down there. So I say "what kind of critter is it??"

A mumble in response.

"I'm not going down there until you tell me what you have."

"flying squirrel".

OMG - how freaking cute are these things????? Little body, big head and big eyes. ADORABLE. FAST.

We finally trapped him in a fishing net and put him outside. Turns out he had nested in one of our birdhouses, the same birdhouse hb brought inside yesterday afternoon to repair.

Imagine that squirrel's surprise when he woke up inside his house, INSIDE MY HOUSE.

Evil.

2010-03-19T08:23:00.003-04:00

Evil, I tell ya. Do NOT attempt your... private area with this. It's NOT pretty. And it wasn't so much the OUCH part of it.

I can handle physical pain. I've been waxed before. But I've never waxed my OWN... um... woowoo.

It's almost physically impossible to do a good job. And the residue. HOW the hell do you get rid of the residue??? Soap and water didn't work. Lotion didn't work.

So I have a half waxed... um... AREA, and by half I mean sporadic. And sticky. I'm sticky and I can't get it off.

It's going to be an interesting day.

Chill, girl...

2010-03-09T13:34:00.002-05:00

My new mantra.

Someone very wise (actually TWO very wise guys) have told me multiple times that I need to 'chill, girl'... because I get so crazed and angry at things... I have a short fuse and I tend to reach a boiling point and then explode... mostly at work. Bsgirl can usually sense it coming and will push me out into the hallway so that I can walk off my anger.

But I figured it was worth a shot to NOT have those moments of outrage... so now, when I feel one rising, I say to myself, and sometimes OUT loud... "CHILL, GIRL, CHILL".

And it's working. So far. It's been a week.

I'll probably end up going postal and end up in jail.

I know who I'm calling for bail. ;-)

Elizabeth's Altoid Tin

2010-03-08T13:31:00.002-05:00

When we went into the city 2 weeks ago, we were treated to lunch by Dave's sister, Cathy and her husband. We wanted to send them a nice thank you gift. I decided to do an altered altoid tin with a mini album inside with pics of their 9 month old, Elizabeth.

Hopefully she doesn't have one already. ;-) I crack myself up.

Again...

2010-03-05T07:59:00.003-05:00

Janette went to CHA again and got me another prezzie. This one just makes my heart go pitter patter... ;-)

I ask a lot of questions.

2010-02-28T11:51:00.002-05:00

I know I do. I get very curious about other people's lives. I guess because I'm curious how they compare to mine, but more importantly - I do it because I have the overwhelming desire to learn about people.

I must admit that I ask some people more questions than others. Not sure why... I'm sure there's an underlying reason for that.

I love to know what people like to eat, wear, do for a living, favorite tv shows and movies.. books... It's almost an obsession. And sometimes I have to stop myself from going overboard. And sometimes I don't stop myself in time.

So if I have invaded your life with questions...

Tough. ;-)

Randomness...

2010-02-19T16:00:00.002-05:00

The sun is shining today... it's in the 40's. It's teasing me. I went out and played in it for a while, and it's true what they say. I feel refreshed, regenerated, happy... lots of energy and thoughts flying through my head. Enjoying this feeling while it lasts.

Finally came up with the topic for my novel. I thought long and hard. (I said long and hard lol) You should write what you know. I know scrapbooking. I know friends. I have a Cell. I think that's my start.

Had blood drawn this morning. Checking cholesterol (ooh I spelled it right)and sugar... when they tested me 3 weeks ago I hadn't fasted long enough. The doctor was wrong and so they had to stick me again. Totally fasting. But I was a big girl and only whined on 2 message boards, 2 email accounts, many texts and facebook.

I'm not eating enough. My new NorthFace pants that cost WAY too much money are falling down. My new jeans are a size ONE. I recognize that I have a problem. I will try to do better. Starting tomorrow. Since all I've had all day long is one slice of cold pizza... and it's 4:05pm. Now it's too close to dinner to eat anything, right?

I'm on day 204! Feel better than I have in years... I should have done this a long time ago. I finally get healthy that way, and now I don't eat. Go figure.

Going to see Bodies tomorrow... with Dave and Cathy, their daughter and her boyfriend. Meeting for breakfast, then a charter bus trip into Manhattan. SO excited about this... spending the day in the city, then back to Rockaway and out to dinner. Good friends... love being with them.

And yes - I will be wearing my new jeans and my new boots. (wink)

Yet... again.

2010-01-31T16:22:00.003-05:00

My altoid tin... and I have it filled with things that haven't happened YET, but will.

Quirks and Obsessions

2010-01-26T06:45:00.002-05:00

We all have them. There was a time I thought I was alone in my weirdness, but message boards and facebook made me realize that you people are ALL nuts.

My quirks have an OCD base. That's where they were born.

Like having to put on my left sock or left shoe first. It's a quirk, but it's part of my OCD'ness.

Now, being ascared of that pasta? Who knows... that's just weirdness. Or left turns? Probably from my accident 22 years ago, but you'd think I'd be over that by now.

I can't listen to a heart beat. I will never lay my head on someone's chest and listen. Freaks me the hell out. I almost passed out doing the StressEcho because I could watch my heart beat. I'm not sure why that is. Am I ascared that your heart will stop beating while I'm listening?

I obsess over myself. I pick apart every inch, mind and body. I obsess over other people. I become attached to inanimate things - like message boards and facebook.

Yet things that I should be ascared of.. I'm not. I love snakes. Spiders don't bother me. I love gore. I love disgusting things. I love horror films. Heights don't faze me in the least. I don't LOVE flying, (because I really hate crashing) but I don't let it stop me.

I eat the same things every day. I become attached to certain foods. Shredded Wheat cereal for breakfast. Low fat vanilla yogurt for lunch. Every day. For over a year.

Embrace your inner quirkiness. It's what makes you YOU. And I'm proud to be as weird as I am.

YET...

2010-01-23T14:57:00.002-05:00

It's a little tiny word. But it's a word that I'm adopting for 2010. It's my secondary word.

To me it means my future. As in: I want this to happen, it just hasn't happened YET. Yet means it will happen. I don't HOPE that it happens, it WILL happen. I just need patience until it does.

I'm going to write a book. I just haven't done it YET.

I'm going to be happy. I'm just not happy YET.

Summer is going to come, it's just not here YET.

See? Yet. Little word. Big future.

Random thoughts...

2010-01-20T20:27:00.004-05:00

My last night of bachelorette-dom. I have done a whole lotta nuttin' for the past 4 days. Work, home, eat, play on the computer, read. I haven't even turned the tv ON! And I don't miss it... (it being the tv - not the husband)

Had a good scare Sunday night - I was awakened at 2:30am by a female voice outside my bedroom window... peeked outside to see a teenage girl on her cell phone, huddled by the fence, 10 feet from my window. Stupid kid. I put the overhead light on for a moment, and watched her run away... the adrenaline kept me up the rest of the night. I did the same kind of stupid things as a teen, so I can't get too angry with her. But she cost me a night's sleep, so if I ever find out who she is, I will take revenge.

My word for 2010 is "Esteem". Because I need to raise my self-esteem, considering that it's down lower than the gutter. I try to tell myself every day that I am a good and worthwhile person. (I don't believe myself every day)

Work is challenging. Going through a very bad time at the office right now - lots of murky undertones... backbiting... anger. Seriously considering a career move. Like into retirement.

Still trying to resolve frustrating health issues... sometimes the cure is worse than the illness.

Still losing weight - and I know that I should stop now. But it's almost like a dare. I'm back to my old metabolism - able to drop or gain 2 pounds in a day... and I'm addicted to my walking.

Tomorrow I hit Day 175. That amazes me. I am almost at the 6 month mark. I never thought I could do it. But I'm so glad I did.

I did a LO about it.

And on that note... I think I'll go play on facebook.

The face of disorder...

2009-11-07T12:22:00.003-05:00

Is sometimes not the face you expect. I look in the mirror every day, expecting to see normalcy. And then I laugh... because I'm so far left of normal that I'm out of the ball park.

As I stare into my own eyes, I check off my faults, issues and phobias... and then I amaze myself by not breaking down and crying. How does a person cover up such damage?

I have an eating disorder. I'm a recovering alcoholic. My self esteem can't get any lower than it already is. I have a HUGE need to feel validated by other people every waking moment. I'm clingy and obsessive. I have anger issues.

Yet I LOOK normal. It's just when I stare into my own eyes that I see the damage.

The face of disorder... sometimes you never know.

3 months...

2009-09-20T14:58:00.002-04:00

I haven't talked to my blog in 3 months. Excuse? Let's see... numerous ones.

I do have lots to talk about... for instance: I am now 4-1/2 months post Lexapro. It has been a life changing experience. I went off of it for the right reasons, both issues have righted themselves nicely.

I also made the decision 52 days ago to quit drinking. Drinking has been a huge part of my life since I was a teenager. I went from typical teen binge drinking, to a daily drinker, to a daily drink too MUCHER. For about a year the thought of stopping would cross my mind daily. But I always had a reason NOT to. "After the holidays, I don't want to be NOT drinking during the holidays." "After my birthday, I have to be able to have a drink on my birthday." "After vacation, what's the beach without drinks?" And so on, and so on. And then finally I just up and realized it was time. It was almost like a switch went on (or off?) in my head.

Going through some health issues that may have been made worse by alcohol made it easier to quit. I have so many friends behind me on this... the support has been unanimous and just continues with each day. Bob seems surprised, yet I think he's proud. We don't really discuss it. I find that I shock people with the news. Some almost seem dismayed. Some don't believe that I'll stay sober. After all, I spent 35 years drinking. Happily drinking. LOVED drinking. Loved the buzz... but when the buzz became the impetus to my life, it was time.

What made me laugh a bit was the response of the two AA people I know. They were the ONLY two people that didn't ask "why?". They knew. Without even knowing me well, they KNEW. They had been there. And both have offered me their support 24/7. Cell phone numbers and instructions to call any time, even if it's 2:30am, if I'm in trouble. What an incredible gift.

And actually, it's been easier than I thought. I have had a few craves - one very severe crave last weekend. Almost opened a bottle of wine. Came very close, but overcame it. I kept thinking how proud I was of myself to actually be able to control this - and just worked through it. And the withdrawals, well - they suck. But I'm getting through that also. The mood swings, and the headaches... they are a bitch.

Now, when I think about this, it amazes me - I have done some life changing alterations to my life over the past 4-1/2 months. It started with stopping the Lexapro... then some health issues that I'm still dealing with, then stopping the alcohol... and dropping 22 pounds.

Add all that to a mid-life crisis, and WHOA. I'm amazed at myself that I'm still vertical. And not in a straight jacket. ;-)

As I've become very fond of saying... It is what it is.

To be continued..... ?

The Poster Child...

2009-06-22T14:54:00.002-04:00

A discussion with The Cell got me thinking... I am truly a poster child for "how a girl turns out when she loses her father too young".

So much of what my life is today is a result of that loss.

When I was 8 years old, I went to bed on December 23rd with two living parents. When I awoke on Christmas Eve, my world had changed forever. I have so few "memories" of my dad... none to speak of really. Brief snippets of a face, or a voice - I remember him solely through photos.

Those of you that think your children are old enough to remember you? I was 8. So, no, never take for granted that they will remember. Of course, nowadays with the ability to record your every word and nuance.... it's different.

I sought out and married a man much like my father. I didn't know that of course, until my mother told me. And that's not a BAD thing, but when you seek approval like a child, it's not a GOOD thing.

I need to work on that. ;-)

Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if my father had lived.... so many people in my life that I never would have met, but so many people that are strangers to me now, may have been friends or even family.

My mom did a fantastic job raising me on her own. Stepfathers came and went, none impacting my life as a father. I never looked upon any of them in that way.

There was only one daddy for me...

I know this is a day late, but Happy Father's Day daddy... I love you and I have missed you all my life.

Midlife Crisis? Or Lexapro withdrawal?

2009-06-05T14:04:00.003-04:00

WHO knows. It sure feels like one. What sucks is that it coincides with leaving Lexapro behind, so maybe it's just that.

That little round pill helped me for 18 months. It helped me deal with anxiety. And it worked. But it robbed me of some things that I needed back. And it gave me some things I need to be RID of, like 14 pounds... for someone that has never had a weight issue in her life, 14 pounds was a hard thing to face.

So it's gone. It's out of my system. I've been Lexapro Free for 4 weeks.

The pros: I've lost 4 pounds. I've regained my sex drive times TEN. I don't have to worry about forgetting a pill. I made it through the withdrawals. They sucked, but I'm done. And a pro that also feels like a con... I am feeling things again. Emotions run high.

The cons: Those frigging feelings. I've forgotten how to handle the emotions. So I'm like a new baby taking steps... and sometimes falling down. The appetite... yeah, not eating too much. Drinking more than I eat sometimes. And last but not least, my husband has become annoying again. LOL

Lexapro had the ability to make me mellow. Without being TOO mellow. I handled things differently. My brain redirected. I was quite unemotional. I didn't cry. I didn't overreact. I felt like ME only... relaxed.

And now as each emotion and thought and feeling come back, it's new again. Familiar, but new. I sometimes sit and think about what I'm feeling and realize that I've been there before, and survived. That I just have forgotten that I can do it. If I can do it WITH Lexapro, I KNOW I can do it without.

And if I can't... then we'll need to see about a different drug. Because dang... I can't lose the sex drive again. Sorry. And I can't gain the pounds. That was actually more of an impetus to get off the drug than the sex drive. I was getting VERY upset about the weight.

WHICH all ties in to the midlife crisis bullshit.

Every day I feel the need to validate myself in my looks. This isn't NEW, but it's done with much more desperation now. I know I kicked ass in my 20's and 30's, and I'm not talking face - I'm not THAT vain - I'm talking body. In my 40's it wasn't so much an issue. Well, now at 52? I feel like I'm lost... and I'm ascared that my obsession with my looks are taking a front seat because I can't fall back on the Lexapro to keep me grounded. Does that make any sense? I don't know if I'm using the right words.

I'm hoping it's just my brain firing signals that haven't fired in a while. And the resurgence of the sex drive. All tied up in a pretty bow. I feel like I need validation that I'm still hawt. And sexual. And wanted. And able to fire up a ... well, you know.

So I'm walking the track constantly, not eating, wearing tight, revealing clothing... just waiting for that sideways glance from another track walker, or driver going by, a double take by guys in the grocery store, an appreciative glance...

So... what is it? Midlife crisis or Lexapro withdrawal?

Happy Birthday to me.

2009-05-10T13:27:00.002-04:00

And here I sit in the middle of the biggest pity party anyone would EVER want to see. TRUST me - my pity parties are NOT fun.

I blame it on the Lexapro. Or should I say LACK of Lexapro. I'm clean one week. I feel ... weird. Weird just like when I started on it, so I know it will pass. Things that were "gone" before, have come back with a vengence... but they are GOOD things, so I'm not complaining... if you get my drift.

But I'm wired for sound and today I'm just feeling really weepy and I HATE that. I am not a cryer.

I'm gonna clench my butt cheeks together like Barb said. Maybe that will help.

Over and out...

It's a guy. It's a girl.

2009-04-26T16:11:00.002-04:00

So I'm heading up to the park for my walk this morning. It's nice and early, and still not too hot. I walk the 1/4 mile to the park entrance, and start on the walking path.

A few hundred yards ahead I see a shape. It's a person. It's stretching. I get closer.

It's a hawt guy. He's got his back to me and he's using these rubber band thingys to stretch with. All different positions.

I slow my pace in order to enjoy the view. The muscles are incredible. Not TOO pumped, just tight and hard. Legs... butt... OMG the butt was HARD... tiny waist... large back. It was hot, so he was schwetty... shiny black skin... short afro... just fine.

As I got closer, he bent straight down at the waist. He was wearing black spandex shorts. And, well, of course I looked.

Um... did he forget to pack his junk? My mind was trying to process why there was no junk pile. In those shorts there should have been one.

I drew abreast of him.

Yeah. It was a woman.

GAAAAAAAHHHHHHH.

Message Board Mentality

2009-04-26T15:50:00.003-04:00

You could call me a message board addict. I wouldn't disagree with you. At this moment in time, I'm registered at a dozen, and post on 5 every day. I'm not proud of that.

Now, I don't post 10 comments on each one - it's a couple here, and a couple there. Plus checking the smack blog. I don't post on it, but I do read it when there's a breaking news story.

Now you add facebook into the mix. Why I feel the need to tell you when I'm going to work, when I'm home, when I'm drinking, when I'm farming... I don't know. I got sucked into that too, and it's a form of message board.

But there's nothing quite like a real message board. One that you feel comfortable in. Like old shoes. Or your favorite bra. You know what I mean?

On a daily basis I check in with My Dawg of course, and Booktalks and Scrappy Jo's. I read at Scrapbook.com, but rarely post, and I am loving ScrapFreak for it's old friends and gallery.

Spread too thin? Eh. The first three I mentioned are small sites, not a ton of posting going on. Scrapbook.com is busy busy busy, but I read what I'm interested in. I posted at SF last night - and got a bit overwhelmed by the busyness of the board.

Funny though, that all of them have one thing in common. The disparity of personalities. You have the quiet ones, the funny ones, the sad ones, the crabby ones, the ones that have been there, done that, the smart ones, the evil ones, the religious ones, the political ones, the jokers, the drinkers, the non-drinkers, the dreamers, the realists, the blunt ones, the ones that beat around the bush until someone else says what they were hoping to...

And yet they are all family. Message board family. Someone not attached to a message board would NEVER understand it.

I'm glad I understand it.

Thanks to my message board families. You know who you are... lol

OH my poor forgotten blog...

2009-04-08T15:29:00.003-04:00

now that facebook has taken over my days, this has bit the dust. A bit sad. I enjoyed this blog. And I'm not going to kill it. I'm going to give it CPR.

Breathe dammit - BREATHE.

I'm on vacation this week. I have spent most of my time in my scraproom. YES scraproom - GOD I love saying that. I'm like a woman possessed. I'm scrapping, I'm altering, I'm BUYING.

And next week is Intercourse. Let's see, I get to see Niki, Julie, Linda, Cara, Liz, Leslie, Amy, Candice, MY KAT, Veronica (maybe?) Amber (maybe?) MY JESSICA... who am I leaving out? And we'll be in a new Love Shack. Looks pretty... Looking forward to it. Good group. I'll miss My Donna though... Intercourse will not be the same without her. Poor Kay will have to make egg casserole with me.

Now... I really must tend my farm. Damn whoever started me on farming. I will find you and get you back.

OH - and heard my new favorite song - it's a song I've heard countless times before when I watch Willy Wonka, but the remix on Tim's blog just GRABBED me...

Go watch - it's from his most recent trip to Ranger:

http://www.timholtz.typepad.com/

Strong Women

2009-03-20T15:43:00.002-04:00

I find that as I get older I am surrounding myself with very strong women. *I* am not a strong woman. I am a follower.
It's funny to me that a follower annoys the crap out of me.
And I wonder if I annoy the crap out of my strong friends.

Random

2009-02-27T14:51:00.002-05:00

I've joined FaceBook. Under great duress. It's one of those things where I can't stand everyone being involved in something that I'm NOT. (sigh) They might talk about me.

So FB is interesting - but kinda boring. I have all my mb friends, and both of my brothers, and a niece... and one girl from high school that sent me a friend request. I certainly didn't join FB to hook up with high school people. I was happy to get away!

The good part is connecting with my one brother - we don't have a lot of communication between us for a thousand reasons - but on FB we can be friends and have some fun together. It was well worth it.

I guess I'm just a message board girl at heart. That's where I feel my most comfortable.

What else...

I went grocery shopping this morning, and I believe that I was in the company of the most annoying and idiotic women EVER in my history of grocery shopping. So that sucked. One woman had a cell phone to her ear the entire time, trying to push her full cart with one hand. Doesn't work you idiot. Another had her sick daughter with her - I guess around 7 years old - this kid was SO sick - coughing, fever, lethargic... now, I understand needing to get to the store whether you have a sick kid or not, but a full GROCERY SHOP???? Perusing labels???? Your kid should be in BED you idiot. Or the woman behind me in line that had her cart so close to mine that they almost got attached. Back off you idiot!!

What else...

I haven't wanted to post an update because I hate not having my Tim right on top saying he misses me and blowing me a kiss. I wonder if there's a way to add that as a permanent part of the blog. Hmmm. Need techy people.

What else...

Oh, update on the pain. Thanks to those that have asked. I never got back on here to update that it was NOT RA - it's degenerative osteo arthritis. Pain is controlled with Aleve for now - when that stops helping we'll discuss something stronger. So that's actually GOOD news!

What else...

I have a scrap room FINALLY!!! Bobby built me the most amazing table, that fits right over the bed in the spare room. That way, if we get overnight company, the table can come off with little to no trouble. I find myself scrapping at the most unusual times... lol

What else...

Nada. Over and out!

Does it get any better than this?

2009-01-26T13:49:00.000-05:00

Janette went to CHA... and got me this...

Pain...

2009-01-09T11:41:00.002-05:00

It's become a part of my life and I don't like it. One week from today I visit the RA specialist. I'm still not convinced that's what I have - but we'll start there.
I try not to be a complainer... really I do. But I'm so tired of pain. And not knowing where the pain is going to be from hour to hour...
I swear it's hit every joint and bone at some point over the past few months. My right index finger has a knuckle that is almost twice the size of the others, is SO sore - crunches - stiff - sometimes unbendable... yet the xray showed nothing remarkable. HOW could there be NOTHING there? You can SEE it... and I feel it.
I have had some days that I can't bear to even get out of a chair and DO something. I find myself being crankier (yes - more than normal) because I'm constantly not feeling good.
And then there are hours that I feel GREAT. NO pain... the Aleve has helped, but the pain breaks through every once in a while. But those hours are few and far between.
And other than my Lexapro (and thank GOD for my Lexapro) I detest taking medication. So if this doctor says "this pill will make you feel better but you have to take it every day"... well CRAP. I feel like I may never not hurt again.
Can you tell I'm having a painful day? Doesn't stop me from typing though. In fact sometimes my hands feel BETTER when I'm busy with them.
And just for the record? If my hands become so bad that I have trouble scrapping, take me out back and shoot me.
If you've made it this far - thanks for listening.

Focus

2009-01-03T09:39:00.002-05:00

Focus. My word for 2009 is Focus. Something that over the past few years I have grown NOT to do.
I need to focus my attention. I need to focus on my health. I need to focus on my family. I need to focus on my job.
In the past I have failed at focusing my attention on ONE thing. My mind has a mind of it's own. While watching tv I am thinking about scrapping, or reading, while reading I am thinking about what's on tv or who's online, while online I'm thinking about what's going to happen at work next week or how much my hands hurt and what will happen with that.
Well, I'm going to STOP that. I want to give things my ALL. And first and foremost is getting through this RA bullshit.

So... FOCUS dammit. FOCUS.

Hmmmm... what to talk about.

2008-11-21T18:25:00.002-05:00

I'm feeling the need to talk about Tim Holtz again. Not sure why - but he's weighing on my mind for some reason.

I email him about once very 3 weeks or so - the busier he's gotten, the longer it takes for a response, but he always writes back.

Now, I don't kid myself that I'm the only one that emails him (insert big rolling eyes here) and that he responds to. (was that a dangling participle?) But every time I see a response in my inbox, my heart does a little pitter patter thing.

I think it's kind of funny that in MY world, he is a huge thing. To me he is someone famous, someone that thousands of people want to know, someone that people pay lots of $$ to meet, and learn from, someone that people want to touch, talk to, interact with, hug, laugh with, drink with, eat with, be friends with.

In HIS world, I am someone that he's never met, has emailed with for .. a few years, I'm just like hundreds of other people in his internet world.

In MY world, he is most special.

In HIS world, I am one of his fans.

He's an incredibly gifted, kind, generous and dammit SO cute, individual. Why is it so important to me to be part of HIS world????? Makes NO sense.

I am a 51 year old, happily married, semi-well adjusted woman. WHY is it important to me that I am known as his friend? Crazy shit. And that poor guy is probably shaking in his boots that this crazy lady from NJ is stalking him. ROFL!

I swear Tim - NO stalking is involved!!!! Except for stalking your blog, hoping to win a giveaway one of these days. Or a tshirt.

Maybe one day my wildest dreams will come true, and I will meet the man that inspires me every day to create, to experiment, to try new things and make art.

The Butterfly Project

2008-11-07T13:27:00.004-05:00

I absolutely LOVE this - please help - I'm going to work on my butterflies and get them sent off to Texas...
Such a great idea for schools, or youth organizations - we can make this happen!!..

The Butterfly Project

5 years...

2008-11-07T11:50:00.004-05:00

Hard to believe that 5 years ago today I said good-bye to Annie. It's still as fresh in my mind, and as sharp in my memory, as it was the day she died. Those years have tempered the pain a bit - and opening up here a while back helped - but I still think of her daily and miss her all the time.

Especially when I'm putting groceries away, which is something I just did. That was my phone call time with her.

So today I'm going to raise my glass of wine, toast my mother, and tell her again how much I love her and miss her.

Thanks for being my mother, Annie...

I am an Ingrid!

2008-11-01T17:18:00.001-04:00

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are an Ingrid!

You are an Ingrid -- "I am unique"

Ingrids have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me

* Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.

* Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.

* Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.

* Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.

* Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being an Ingrid

* my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level

* my ability to establish warm connections with people

* admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life

* my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor

* being unique and being seen as unique by others

* having aesthetic sensibilities

* being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being an Ingrid

* experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair

* feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved

* feeling guilty when I disappoint people

* feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me

* expecting too much from myself and life

* fearing being abandoned

* obsessing over resentments

* longing for what I don't have

Ingrids as Children Often

* have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original games

* are very sensitive

* feel that they don't fit in

* believe they are missing something that other people have

* attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.

* become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood

* feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

Ingrids as Parents

* help their children become who they really are

* support their children's creativity and originality

* are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings

* are sometimes overly critical or overly protective

* are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz at HelloQuizzy

San Antonio!

2008-10-31T08:07:00.003-04:00

Got to see a bunch of my Dawgs - Kat (an amazing tour guide), Jeanne, Cynthia, My Barb, Lori and STEVE!

Wanna see some pics?

A great time. A great place. I love TEXAS! Riverwalk was amazing, I could have spent my entire trip just walking around and drinking in the sights. ;-)

Random thoughts...

2008-09-26T18:12:00.003-04:00

Since I haven't updated in a MONTH - that's terrible - I will update with random items.

I have begun my diet and exercise regimen. It sucks. I have lost one pound. 7 more to go. As I drink my glass of wine, I glance down at my thighs and say... screw it.

It's a cool, rainy evening. I have a small fire going in the franklin stove and it's cozy. I will probably fall asleep in front of it. At 8:05.

My new addiction on Fridays is watching Wife Swap. It's on in the afternoon on ... I think it's Lifetime. There's some crazy shit on those shows. I would LOVE to do that, but we don't have kids, so I guess they'd never use us.

My hawt UPS guy got married. ((sigh)) Oh well. Life goes on.

Heading to San Antonio in less than a month. ADA convention. Lots of dentists. WOOhoo. (can you HEAR my eyes rolling?) Should be a good time though - lots of fun in the evenings at least. I'll get to see some Dawgs, and hang out with My Kat...

My Tim was on QVC and I didn't get to see him. I had to watch it after the fact on QVC.com. No fair. He's still my #1 obsession. There's a drive on his blog to get him on the Oprah show. I say the hell with that. How about "Tim Holtz the Show"? They could film it in NJ and I could be a production assistant. I'd wipe his brow and fetch his drinks.

Wine tastes good.

Tomorrow is Family Day at Ramapo College where Larissa is starting her Junior year. We are attending. It's supposed to rain. I'm praying for beer. We have "family day"; "underage kids" and "college". I'm thinking beer will be plentiful. LOL!!!

Butterfly...

2008-08-20T18:50:00.002-04:00

This one posed for me on one of our butterfly bushes... Isn't he purty?

You are listening...

2008-08-18T15:01:00.003-04:00

to Ian Parker - my new obsession. Step back Tim Holtz, My Hawt UPS guy and Sam Elliot. We saw Ian last year at RiverFest in Knowlton, and I just fell in LOVE. He was back again this year and let me tell ya - this guy is HAWT. And talented.

Last year I got a slip of paper from him because he had sold out of his cd's at the Fest - and I'm hanging on to that piece of paper like my life depended on it.

I swear I'm not licking it. Honest.

RiverFest was excellent again this year - Ian was my favorite, the other bands were ok - it was a gorgeous day, until a migraine (my first!!) hit and we had to leave early. Missed the last two bands. But it was a fun day and here are some pics!

My Jessica.

2008-07-09T20:50:00.003-04:00

So My Jessica deserves a post... SO much!!

I've told this story on the Dawg, but I'm telling it again here. Maybe it will explain things to the people that look at the two of us like we're crazy!

This dates back to ECC1. Intercourse, PA. First crop. It must be at least 3-1/2 years ago now - right?

I hadn't met anyone except Niki. And Niki and I drove together to meet up with a dozen girls from ScrapLove. I was ascared to DEATH.

From the minute we were all together, it was a family. And it has stayed true to that to this day. We are all still together.

And I saw Jess for the first time. Gorgeous girl. She was so friendly, and funny and welcoming and she made me not ascared. I got a little girlie crush on her. :-)

The next morning I got up early and had coffee with Donna (the start of "morning coffee") and one by one the girls started drifting in...

I was in the kitchen doing something when Jess woke up and came down. As I entered the "scraproom/dining room" she was sitting at her table... in her jammies... hair tousled... no makeup... glasses. She looked up at me and smiled.

I was done. That is all. The start of the scraples bo.

As much as we joke around, there is true love and respect and joy in our friendship. She is a huge part of my life and I treasure our talks, pm's, texts and emails. Especially tata emails.

Here is my LO of her...

Dirty secret...

2008-06-22T15:46:00.002-04:00

So my 3rd and last question was from My Princess, Carrielyn. She wanted to know my current dirty little secret.

I'm probably going to shock people with my answer here - I'm not going for funny or TIC. I'm going with a real secret... one that NOBODY knows. NO ONE. Not the Cell, not hoopy, not My Jessica, not MaryKay.. not even HB. I'm the only one.

And once I write about it - it will be out in the open. No taking it back.

Must go refill the wine glass. brb.

HB brought up this subject a few months ago. He says I have NEVER dealt with my mother's death.

He's right. I don't think I'm strong enough. Lexapro be damned. Even Lexapro, xanax and red wine won't get me through it.

I'm damaged enough - I have enough fears and phobias to feed the nation. I need to add this to my menu?

Sometimes I crack the surface of it. I let a snippet of heartbreak to seep in. And then I slam the door. I don't want to cry. I don't want to deal with it. I hate crying. I hate the feeling. Why deal with it? Oh, because it damages me MORE? I know. I'm not STUPID. I'm just ascared.

I have never dealt with my father's death. That happened 44 years ago. Silly people. They think I'm going to deal with my mother's death.

I'll share some of those snippets that haunt me... and maybe you'll understand why I can't wrap my mind around them without going insane...

Having to tell my mother she was dying. My mom had the ultimate optimistic attitude - and the ultimate Floyd way of burying her head in the sand when she didn't want to deal with something. We all do it. It's the Floyd way. My wonderful SIL Barbara, and I were packing up my mom's house to move her up by us. I knew I had to tell her the news. The doctor had told me there was no hope, and she had less than a year. My mom started talking about transferring money into the kid's names because of tax laws... but she knew there was a 5 year statute. I had to look my mother in the face and say - it's too many years, ma.. the doctor doesn't think you'll make it that long.

She put her head down... cried a little, than looked up and said "OK. Then let's get packing!"

And when she was up here... and in her little assisted living apartment that my rich brother was able to push and wangle and make happen, thank GOD, and she started going downhill within 3 weeks...

And I stayed overnight... because she couldn't be left alone and needed pain meds every 4 hours.

And I called every home nursing agency... and every option available... even hospice (who had been called in at that point) and one by one every agency said they had nobody available at such short notice... and I remember sobbing on the phone with one woman who was SO nice to me... just felt so helpless. GOD DAMN IT I'M CRYING.

And finally I was able to convince the hospice nurse that she needed to be admitted to the hospice care at the local hospital...

and for 2 weeks she was there. And we had ups and downs. We knew it was soon, but she kept rallying - once to the point where the hospice people said they might have to release her to a nursing home... that's my mom - always a surprise!!

I remember painting her toes... she was SO warm, all the time, and wanted her feet OUT of the blankets. So I painted her toenails all different colors, and then painted happy faces in white on her big toes. SHE loved it.

And then she started to fail. Fell into a "coma" type state. Once, when I was alone with her (I spend about 12 hours a day there) she awoke, cried and said "Oh my God, I think I'm dying" and sobbed. I think her voice, her sobs, her words - they will haunt me forever.

The hospice nurse was there - and we both held her and the nurse said "Annie, the angels are there - there is nothing to be afraid of, and if you are dying, they are there to welcome you."

And Annie calmed down... of course the morphine didn't hurt.

The nurses kept her pumped with it- the pain at that point had to be bad, and we all wanted her pain free.

Sometimes she would sob in her sleep, and I remember running out to the nurses asking for help... "make her stop crying - make her stop I can't handle it.."

The fact that she was sobbing is what tears me apart... she was sad... it wasn't pain sobbing - it was sad sobbing.

GODDAMN IT I'M CRYING STOP IT STOP IT.

and then came the 48 hours of nothing... no response to anything... and we knew it would be soon.

And Chip and Judy came over one Friday evening... and brought me food (because I had quit eating months before) and the call came... Annie was gone.

Annie was gone.

I miss Annie so much... Sometimes I want my mommy more than anyone...

Another question...

2008-06-01T16:41:00.002-04:00

came from Karen:

Hi Tigger!!!

Tell us about that great city that you live in in the fun things you do with your hubby and your friends (other than scrappin and drinkin beer LOL).

Karen

Thanks, Karen!

I live in Budd Lake, NJ. NOT much to do here - we're on the fringe of farm country, but we're a pretty big town.

I have a nice mall nearby, within 2 miles, and I have a Michael's there. I spend a lot of $$ in that store.

We have a large lake (hence, Budd Lake) that is usually fairly brown and green in color - I wouldn't swim or eat a fish caught there.

Fun things that I do with friends... hmmm.

I have my Hoopy, 2 houses away - we are very close and we scrap and chat and post online and she is my hairdresser also. It's dangerous having her so close, when I get a "change my hair" bug, she's RIGHT there.

I have my friend, Mary Kay, we've been friends since junior high. Her dh is close to my dh, and the 4 of us are together frequently. We do dinners and lunches and basically just hang together.

We are very blessed to have a lot of friends. We spend at least one night a week with them, especially during the warmer months.

When you don't have children, your friends become a very HUGE part of your life. After all, THEY may be the ones choosing my nursing home someday.

I plan on treating them all VERY well.

Prize winner... Lynette!

2008-05-29T18:55:00.003-04:00

And here is her subject:

How about the joys of having good friends at work?

OH Lord. Such a loaded question. Most of you know that I am blessed with a very strange crowd of people at work.

We have:

The Boss - Dr. Dentist. Nice guy - I've been there 19 years, so we can talk about most anything. Has to work with 6 females everyday, so he's a bit... shellshocked.

Garlic Girl - Ah. The famous GG. If you DON'T know the story, GG is a gorgeous woman, former model, tall, blonde... and stuffs garlic up her woowoo when she thinks she has an infection.

DivaMom - my buddy. The other girls get a bit put out when she will only let ME come help her with things. But we've been coworkers for over 10 years and we know how each other works. She's an excellent hygienist (the only one that can touch MY teeth) and my very first black friend. She's taught me a ton of things - and she's got the best giggle anyone has ever heard.

OSHA - the hygienist that is the polar opposite of DM. She's the one that gave me Cox's and ran me over with the shopping cart. There are issues there.

Beth - the new assistant. She's 27, 5'8", gorgeous. Married, 2 kids. LOVE this girl. Good addition to our office. She's pissed that she can't room with DM, bsgirl and I in San Antonio.

JoJo Poopyhead - the boss's wife. She works on Mondays only. Best sense of humor anyone could ever want to meet. She's evil. I love that about her.

My bsgirl - my buddy.. my partner in crime. We clicked from the first moment we met. She is the BEST straight man anyone could ask for. And she's a listener. She's the best listener anyone ever met. She will show interest in ANYTHING you tell her.

"Inga - I had pancakes for breakfast."

"OMG - really? Were they good? Did you put syrup on them?"

Stuff like that. I love that girl SO much. She's one amazing woman.

Thanks Lynette!!!! This was a good subject. We have a cool group and we do a lot of fun things together. And sometimes we hate each other. It's normal. And we know it - and accept it.

This needs an update, and I need a subject.

2008-05-25T16:07:00.002-04:00

Help me.

First person to give me a good subject to write about will get a scrapbook goodie from my stash.

Give me something you know I can relate to, have had experience with, and will enjoy writing about.

(now we'll REALLY see who reads my blog. ;-) )

One Life, Six Words...

2008-04-21T21:14:00.002-04:00

YES again... this time I scrapped it. Thanks, Princess...

Seventeen years ago...

2008-04-20T15:41:00.003-04:00

the doctor looked at me and said "you have cancer".

Boy, was THAT a wake up call. May 9, 1991. The day my life changed... for the BETTER. Oh sure, the diagnosis, the surgery, the mental breakdown... all that sucked ass.

But it changed ME for the better. Had that never happened, I shudder to think where I'd be right now.

For many years we suffered with infertility. Back in the 80's you had to treat with a specialist, now every ob/gyn offers treatment. I had to go to a specialist about 30 miles away. With a sperm sample tucked under my armpit to keep it warm. 3 times a week. That was fun. NOT. Bobby and I were a team though - and we endured the tests and diagnoses and treatment.

Right before we were ready to discuss artificial insemination, the cancer diagnosis happened.

I look at it this way: had I not been infertile, my cancer would not have been diagnosed so early, and it would have killed me. My infertility saved my life. In more ways than one.

I also found my husband through all of this... and fell in love with him again. He was a caregiver, a lover, a husband and a friend. He was by my side every minute, supporting me, loving me and worrying about me.

He's a good man, that Bobby. I think I'll keep him around.

SO excited!

2008-04-11T11:23:00.003-04:00

So this is what happened.

I emailed My Tim with a problem. He solved it for me. I showed him a picture of my tealight holder. He liked it. Asked if he could give my name to Ranger, he thought they might be interested in adding to their website as a project.

Um... OK? (insert shock face here)

Sent My Tim a tealight holder as a thank you for solving my problem. He said some very gracious things... of course making my heart go pitty-pat. LOL And a few minutes later I got the email from Ranger!

I even get PAID!!

So the Cell has decided they are going to be my Entourage and wear all black.

You know - Rangerwear. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Anyway - once again - Thank You Tim Holtz... #1 always. ;-)

Bowler's Butt.

2008-04-05T15:07:00.001-04:00

Seriously. I have Bowler's Butt. And it's a REAL thing. Not a made up in my head tigger thing.

I googled it. It's real. And it HURTS.

Bowling???

2008-03-28T14:17:00.003-04:00

Seriously. I went bowling for the first time in at least 30 years. We went as an office, and we had a BALL. (get the bowling reference?) In fact, the only problem I had was finding a ball that fit me. I have big thumb knuckles apparently. So I needed a lighter ball with a big hole.

Yeah. I'm stopping now. It will only go downhill from here.

Here are some shots of our fun afternoon...

One Life, Six Words...

2008-03-14T12:31:00.002-04:00

I loved the challenge of this. But much like Janelle, there are different words for different parts of me.

The doctor said "you have cancer".

I married my best friend forever.

Reality tv is my guilty pleasure.

Make me laugh, I'll love you.

I used to feel empty. No babies.

A lifeline of friends. I'm complete.

I got tagged by My Princess...

2008-03-01T10:40:00.006-05:00

(sigh)

I have to show you my OTHER dirty little secret. My bag. It's the only bag I have. It's my pocketbook.

Here are the rules:

1. You have to show your bag.

2. Show all the contents in the bag, no cleaning it out first.

3. Bag tag 5 more people.

Here is my bag:

I LOVE this pocketbook. It's HUGH. HUGH I tell you. lol (You know I mean HUGE, right?) It's a knock off Kate Spade.

And here you'll see the contents. It's not pretty:

Here's what we've got:

Wallet - knock off Louis.
brush
Renu
Contact rewetter
Sunglasses
Reading Glasses
Cell phone
Keys
2nd set of keys for office.
perfume
gum (2 different packs)
floss
eye liner
clear chapstick
tinted chapstick
lip gloss
2 hair clips (so THAT'S where they are)
Pen
emery board
Safety pin
tissue. I think it's clean.
ear muffs
one Crest whitestrip? lol
lots of paper garbage like a grocery list, gum wrappers, coupons
a magnet business card for the Tastefully Simple girl
AND... my little drugstore:
Airborne
ImodiumAD
Tums (2)
GasX

Thanks for visiting. I'm tagging: My Jessica, LipTwin, Lynette, Amy gebmom and AmyZ.

Random thoughts...

2008-02-21T13:04:00.002-05:00

I'm still greatly intrigued with the Smack Blog. I try to visit every other day at least. I view the message board, and try to keep up with the comments.

I still haven't quite figured out WHY I do this. So many times they are smacking people I don't know or don't care about. Not being a Pea, I don't understand when they talk about certain posters. Same when they smack CKMB or the Sis one. Don't know any of those girls.

Of course, when they smack the more well known "celebs" I read a bit more closely.

And when they smack My Tim I get highly outraged. ;) But I don't stop reading. I can't get enough of it. The most recent batch of comments got a bit boring to me. They were going back and forth about SAHM's vs. Working outside the home moms. That got old to me VERY quickly.

I greatly enjoyed the smacking of the woman and her 9,302,402 kids and great dane that lived in a ramshackle trailer while building their house. I shouldn't say I enjoyed the SMACKING of the woman - I enjoyed the dialogue that ensued ABOUT it.

Guess makes some very valid points. And she presents them well. But that's not the reason I keep reading.

I just LOVE dirt. That is all.

Now about that dang satellite. YES I know we hit it with a rocket. BUT that doesn't mean a piece of the dang thing isn't still going to hit me on the head, and until all the pieces are down and accounted for I will not rest. Like Carey said - it's not easy being Tigger.

I think of all the reality shows I love, I love Project Runway the best of all.

It is forecast to snow tomorrow. My plan was to scrap ALL day. I say WAS because if HB is home with me, that will completely change my day. Let's hope the weathermen are as wrong as they USUALLY are.

This is my online routine: yahoo mail first to talk to the Cell. Check listings on Ebay. Flip to BookTalks. Flip to Sherri's. Check Tim's blog. End up at the Dawg. Check sb.com. I do all that in about 45 minutes. If I get done earlier, THAT'S my Smack reading time.

Speaking of which, that brings me back to square one, and it's time to hit some blogs and check the smack.

Congratulations....

2008-02-08T14:16:00.000-05:00

Janelle!!!! I am banana dancing for you... you have won my comment challenge drawing!

Your giftie will go postal next week. I hope you like it - it's something that I use and I have 2 of them.

And no, it's not tatas.

I'm a comment ho...

2008-02-01T14:27:00.000-05:00

In all aspects of my life. I love comments on my LO's (who doesn't?) and I love comments on my blog.

I'm not the best commenter in the world, so it's a very selfish thing.

But I just want to see how many comments I can get in say... one week. And at the end of the week, next Friday, I will randomly pick one of the commenters and they will win a really nice sb goodie from my stash. (REALLY nice)

Spread the word. You don't have to be a Dawg to comment or win...

Damn you, Jeanne...

2008-01-31T06:27:00.001-05:00

Do you know how long my middle name is?????? I don't know that many bloggers!!!
So I'm taking your tag, but using my maiden name. I'm such a rebel.

Here are the rules:

1. You have to post the rules before you give your answers.

2. You must list one fact about yourself beginning with each letter of your middle name. (If you don't have a middle name, use your maiden name).

3. After you are tagged, you need to update your blog with your middle name and your answers.

4. At the end of your blog post, you need to tag one person for each letter of your middle name. (Be sure to leave them a comment telling them they've been tagged and that they need to read your blog for details.)

Floyd

f - Fun. I think I'm fun.
l - Loyal. I am a very loyal friend.
o - Oh crap. Something with O.
y - Young at heart. I may be an old bag, but my mind thinks I'm 30.
d - Dirty mind. I have the worst dirty mind of anyone you'll EVER meet.

I am going to tag....

Janette, Missy, hoopy, Janelle & Steve

Guilty pleasures...

2008-01-25T14:03:00.000-05:00

Sounds dirty. I guess it certainly COULD be, but mine isn't. Not the ones I'm going to post about, anyway.

I am hopelessly hooked on certain reality tv shows. Not Survivor, or Big Brother, or Amazing Race, or Biggest Loser...

I'm talking about the ones on VH1, Bravo, MTV... you know - Rock of Love II, Project Runway, Celebrity Rehab, America's Next Top Model, Scott Baio is 46 and pregnant, My Fair Brady.

It's a sickness. At least Bobby says it is. I can watch them over and over. If there's a marathon on? I'm glued. Today I watched Rock of Love II for 2-1/2 straight hours. It was that or iron. TV won.

Bucket List Blog Challenge

2008-01-18T18:13:00.001-05:00

My Bucket List challenge, to name 5 things I want to do before I "kick the bucket":

1) See every state in the US.
2) Bungee jump.
3) Get a tattoo.
4) Resolve the problem between me and my niece.
5) Publish a book.

The Hardest Thing...

2008-01-17T06:54:00.000-05:00

Jeanne posted a blog challenge. Wanted us to tell about the hardest thing we had to do this week.

I thought about it for a long time. And then realized that the hardest thing I had to do this week was come up with something hard that I had to do this week.

I have a blessed life. Seriously. I work part time, no kids, my time is my own, I have an incredible husband (most of the time lol) I have a job that is usually fun and challenging, lots of friends, a hobby that consumes me, pretty good health, no major issues in any aspect of my life.

Thanks, Jeanne, for a little wake up call....

The Reaction...

2008-01-04T14:48:00.001-05:00

Was better than expected. My mother in law was FLOORED and just gave such a great reaction.

The Pyramid

2007-12-22T09:18:00.000-05:00

Such a work of art!! Bobby spent a full year refurbishing his grandfather's German Pyramid. It's nothing short of perfection.

I can't wait to see his mother's face on Christmas Day when she sees it for the first time in over 25 years...

Ahhhh... the holidays!

2007-12-22T09:17:00.000-05:00

They have arrived. My house is officially decorated, the gifts are purchased, wrapped and under the pyramid. The groceries are in the house, and the menus are planned.

Is it over yet?

Holy crap... the escalator is... stopping?

2007-12-14T15:33:00.001-05:00

Lexapro Day 4 & 5. Feel good. Feel fairly normal. Feel like myself yet better. I have energy and desire to DO things. Today I would NOT have been happy drinking beer and sitting at the computer reading message boards and blogs. (gasp)

I got SO much accomplished today and it feels good. I'm ascared this feeling won't last... so I'm going to enjoy every minute of it.

Stopping the escalator....

2007-12-12T12:29:00.001-05:00

Or "Better living through chemistry"...

Lexapro Day 1:

Took the pill at 9pm. Woke up at 12:30, queasy as HELL...dry heaves, dry mouth... and thinking to myself the entire time "is this going to be worth it?". Back to sleep. Up with the alarm, still queasy. Almost stayed home from work. Decided to attempt it, and made it through the day. NO appetite. Lived on Saltines and ginger ale. Took my second pill at 8:30pm.

Lexapro Day 2:

Queasiness subsides a bit. Toast for breakfast. No coffee - wired for sound. Can't stop moving my body. Jiggling my legs, my feet, my arms... no appetite. Got the mother of all headaches. Too ascared to take ibuprofen because of the drug warnings on the package. Finally call the doctor. Leave a message...

Doctor calls at 8:00. I explain all my symptoms and she assures me that it's perfectly normal and will go away. I ask about taking a half dosage and she agrees that perhaps this is a good idea for me. Suggests that I do that for 2 weeks and then amp up to one pill after that. Took my third pill at 8:15.

Lexapro Day 3:

Slept all night. No queasiness, but no real appetite. I'm eating to survive. Regular breakfast. Jittery feeling almost gone. Slight headache. Feeling calm and mellow. Feeling like maybe there's an end to the side effects. Going in the right direction anyway.

Thanks to all my beloved Dawgs, without whom I would NOT have made it through... thank you for listening, for your suggestions, your hugs and your love.

Happy Thanksgiving...

2007-11-21T14:52:00.000-05:00

to all. I hope you have a warm fuzzy day. Lots of good food, drink and friends and family...

And while you're enjoying all that, think of me, ok? I'll be the one in the corner, sucking my thumb and drinking wine.

That is all.

Drama...

2007-11-02T14:34:00.000-04:00

Imagine. Drama in the scrapbooking world. Who'da thunk it? But it's got big drama right now and I'm fascinated by it. SUCKED in royally. I am glued to the Smack Blog, the new mb they created, 2peas, CK mb... anywhere and everywhere that is talking about ... the drama.

And I must say, and I CAN say, since it IS MY blog dammit, that I am glad that the HOF/CK is being exposed and straightened out. While many looked at it like a witch hunt, I think that was the only way it was going to be handled and rectified. What CK did was NOT fair, and they needed to be called out on it.

The attitude of the first HOF'er to be exposed was a bit... flippant. But maybe that was HER way of handling the embarrassment of it all. I don't know any of the people involved, and I don't know the Peas that are in the midst of it.

But I'm sure as hell enjoying the reading.

Can I just say though, that it's a bit disconcerting when they are talking about the "GG"'s. I keep thinking, WHY are they all talking about Garlic Girl???? HA. HA I say.

So, no more typing for me. I must get back to my reading. It's quite interesting. Especially since it doesn't involve ME.

Ahhhhh... Intercourse.

2007-10-26T14:38:00.001-04:00

Intercourse, PA that is. Gotcha.

Another successful "ECC". Although we call them Dawg Walks now. In my head Intercourse = ECC. Last weekend 11 of us joined together in some rabble rousing. Some scrapping was also accomplished.

This group of girls has been together quite a few times. We're comfortable with each other, and can relax and just have fun and enjoy ourselves. (I ATE EVERY MEAL!!) WOOHOO!!!

Let's see, there was: Amber, me, Julie, Donna, Leslie, Amy, Janelle, Linda, Cara, Veronica and... MY Jessica. What a bunch of silly girls we are. Burping games, beer guzzling, scrapping, back scratching, gift exchanges (Linda, give me the effing box) (yes, that's how WE do gift exchanges - if I'm not rubbing the gift on my crotch, I'm swearing at the possessor of the gift I WANT.)

We are a very demonstrative group. We hug, we cuddle, we rub backs, we climb on each other... we bust each other's asses non-stop. Like I said, it's a good group.

I got 10 pages done in Dawn's book. That's quite an accomplishment for me. I normally don't "create" at a crop. I'm too distracted. I still have a few pages to do, so hopefully tomorrow I will finish.

I stayed up late, and woke up early, so by the time I got home on Sunday afternoon, I was ready to crash. I fell asleep that night at 8:30. Slept straight through until my alarm Monday morning. I am obviously too old for this shit. LOL

If I could figure out how to do a slideshow I would show you the pictures that way. Unfortunately, I am befuddled by it, so I will just post some here.

Enjoy...

(well apparently the add image feature is down at the moment, so I'll be back to add photos)

Escalating...

2007-10-12T13:27:00.001-04:00

It seems to be my word of the month. Things in my life are... escalating. Which isn't always a GOOD thing.

What's escalating right now? My food problems. Most of you know the issues I have with food, but I'll fill in the details for those interested.

Since I was a teenager I have had food issues. I'm not anorexic or bulimic (sp?) but there's a definite disorder happening. It's more of an anxiety induced problem. My stomach "shuts down" on me. I can "feel" it happening. Do you know the feeling of your stomach dropping when you hear something bad? That's almost what it feels like. It happens when I'm stressed or ascared.

When I'm highly stressed I can't eat at all. I live on those Ensure drinks so that I won't DIE.

But that's not the issue I'm dealing with right now. It's my problem of eating in front of people. Sounds stupid, doesn't it? Sometimes I know it's going to happen an hour or two before a meal. It happens more often with SOME friends more than others. Sometimes it shuts down after I start EATING a meal.

It used to only happen when Bobby was present, and we were with other people. Now it's happening when he isn't present. It's most embarrassing when you're at a restaurant and it happens.

I get very humiliated. And I have no control over it. I have gotten to the point where I will be physically ill and have to run to the ladies room. Just the SMELL of food will set me off.

It seemed to go in spurts, happening every few months, or sometimes not for a year at a time. But now it's happening again. FREQUENTLY. This past weekend at the beach it happened at almost every meal. Luckily it happened halfway THROUGH the meal so I was able to get some nourishment and attempt to hide from the others that it happened.

I wasn't too successful. Hoopy seems to SENSE when it's happening.

Next weekend is the Intercourse crop. I'm already in a dead panic over going OUT to eat to a restaurant. I've already told Donna about my fear, and I know she'll stick right by my side. NOT that the other girls wouldn't, but Donna's seen this happen to me in person and knows how to handle me.

And it's not just the going to the restaurant part that ascares me. It's every damn meal now. I dread eating with people.

It has NEVER happened when I'm alone, it has never happened when it's just Bobby and I, home or at a restaurant.

I just don't know where to turn with this. It's not a physical issue, but I'm sure there's a drug out there that would help. When I was a teenager my doctor put me on Librax, and I had to take that an hour before each meal to calm me down.

I really don't want to have to do that again.

Thanks for listening... any advice is welcomed. OR if anyone has heard of this before, all information would be VERY appreciated... since I'm not allowed to go on WebMD ;-) I can't exactly research this.

Pink for Breast Cancer Awareness!

2007-10-09T17:49:00.001-04:00

And in honor of MaryKay!! 2 years BC survivor - WOOHOO!!!

More pics...

2007-10-09T15:21:00.000-04:00

Beach weekend...

2007-10-09T12:47:00.001-04:00

OMG. What a weekend it was. I was expecting 3 days of fun with Hoopy and Mary Kay. What I got was 3 days of fun with Hoopy, Mary Kay and THE FREAKING CELL!!

Bobby and hoopy surprised me with the plan to bring everyone in. Donna, Schnauz and Barb knocked on the back door and my face must have been priceless.

We had SUCH a perfect weekend. The weather was spectacular, beach days EVERY day - and we spend a LOT of time outside. We scrapped like crazy, and talked non-stop. We stayed up til 11 each night just talking and laughing.

Hoopy gave us head/neck/back rubs that made us DROOL. We ate crab Friday night with Bobby, and hoopy's cheesy potatoes were the PERFECT side for them. And can I just say that leftover cheesy potatoes and egg casserole is daBOMB?

Here are some pictures of us...

HAPPY 40TH BIRTHDAY MY SCHNAUZ!!!

2007-09-28T06:21:00.000-04:00

Today is the momentous day!!!

Happy birthday to a great friend, someone I respect and adore!!!

Now, if this makes you angry - it was all Donna's idea. :-)

More updates...

2007-08-28T18:28:00.000-04:00

Sick of 'em yet?

It's done and over. Suzanne and I came to an understanding and I was able to have the Tim interview deleted from ScrapLove. Kate gave me credit on the Elsie interview, and things I hope were left on a friendly basis.

When it was all over this afternoon, I looked at bsgirl and said "I'm ready for another cause".

That felt good. And it felt good to have it completed the way it needed to be completed.

Now. Whose ass can I kick now?